Friday, September 27, 2002

So how many of u's saw the fight?? ohhhhhhhmygod that bitch hit me hard!! i cant leave the house till my lip has healed, she has totally split my lip open and its really swollen and i can only just talk but i sound retarded cuz i cant move my bottom lip very well and my tooth was really loose but i cant move it as much now so i dunno what was up with that!!

Timo (timoooo we love u, timooooo we do, timo we love u and wanna fuuuuuck u hehe) came round last night and made fun of my lip alllllllllllllll night, i had really missed my timo and the rest of the boys, we had some really good times while living together.

Did I tell u all that me and tray broke up?? i cant remember and i cant be bothered to look, but yeah we broke up, he was kinda mad at me for my reasons but i think he understands now and it cool with it, me and tony had a talk about stuff and i dont think we have really sorted anything out, we never really talk about things long enough b4 1 of us has to leave or gets mad at the other, but i dunno..... ok off to ice my lip and try smoke..... its not easy when the middle of ur lip is split and so swollen u cant put ur lips together.... poor me

Thursday, September 26, 2002

"Don’t stray don’t ever go away, I should be much to smart for this, u know it gets the better of me, sometimes when u and I collide I fall into a ocean of u, pull me out in time don’t let me drown, let me down, says its all because of u, and here I go losing my control, I’m practicing ur name so I can say it 2 ur face, it doesn’t seem right to look u in the eyes and let all the thing u mean to me come tumbling out my mouth in deed its time to tell u y, says its infinitely true,

Say ur stay don’t come and go like u do, sway my way, yeah I need to know all about u, and there’s no cure, no way to be sure y everything has turned inside out and still in so much doubt, it makes me so sad I feel so uninspired, my head is battling with my heart my logic had been torn apart and now its all turned sour, come sweets in every afternoon.

Say ur stay don’t come and go like u do, sway my way, yeah I need to know all about u, say ur stay don’t come and go like u do, sway my way, yeah I need to know all about u, its all because of u, its all because of u….

Now it all turns sour, come sweets in every afternoon, its time to tell u y, say its infinitely true, say ur stay don’t come and go like u do, sway my way, yeah I need to know all about u, say ur stay don’t come and go like u do, sway my way yeah I need to know all about u, its all because of u, its all because of u, its all because of u"

I really like this song, its from the 1st america pie movie and is on my "i'm a pot head and need summit mellow to listen 2" CD, I think it explains how i feel about some people, like when u like some1 so much that ur scared that ur not good enough or that what u wanna say isnt going to sound right and when ur in a relationship with some1 and u never know if they really like u or if they r just playing with ya and u feel like ur losing them


Tuesday, September 24, 2002

Another night without sleep.... now feeling kinda crap, i really dont know what 2 do with Tray and everything, part of me is saying just leave now but then i dont know.... i really do like him but i dont think that its enough.... oh well i'm gonna go think some more and then i'll update u all later

Monday, September 23, 2002

"Isn't it amusing how what seems so poetic one moment seems pathetic the next? It seems somehow connected to how quickly we go from smitten to devastated and back again. And I think the only constant is change itself. These days I can't even count on myself to remain constant - nor would I want to. What I am is so much right now, so many possibilities...

I have come to the realization that I am perpetually coming-of-age.

"Water is always in motion and, as it moves, it reflects the world..." "

cool quote huh??
i hate the fucking M6 and the M1..... traffic was awful..... we have only just got back, poor Tray had to drive all night while i tried to sleep, it normally takes about 6 hours cuz of the traffic it took us 9.... mmm nice huh?? its lucky we didnt drive back in the day time cuz that would have taken us even longer... ok enough about the shit car ride, the weekend was cool, Tray had a few things he needed to do, we were gonna stay abit longer but he had to come back cuz of some problem with the baby, he told me a few things while we were away that have made me realise i really need to think about me and him.... he wants to get full custody of the baby thats gonna be born cuz the girl dont want it, she was going to get it aborted but tray didnt want her 2 then she said she was gonna get it adopted so Tray said he'll have the baby.... can everyone see where this is heading??? i see me, tray and some1 elses baby..... hmmm, oh i'm not being nasty but i dont think i would be able to do that, i'm really not the mothering type and i know if u take on a guy with kids u take on the kids but me and tray were only ever meant to be casual, things cant be casual if there is a baby involved cuz it isnt fair on the kid to have different women coming and going in its life.... oh i dunno

i have done a lot of thinking about things with me and tony aswell.... i dont think he likes me anymore.... to be totally honest i dont think he would care if i left forever and never came back.... :o( he has changed so much again.... i really dont know y, i just think that after all this time it wouldnt b 2 hard for him just to be nice to me, i have lay all my feelings on the line for him and have told him how i feel about everything and he just acts like it dont matter anymore, 1 min he is saying he loves me and being with his g/f is a big mistake then he is ignoring me and being mean.... oh i'm going to bed now.....

Friday, September 20, 2002

tony really needs to talk to me... i have no idea what the fucks going on!! i want for us to work out so badly.... i guess i need to swallow my pride but he is being so mean 2 me... he is really hurting me being like this, i'm scared to say anything incase he gets mad at me.... its like how ryan used to make me feel.... i was scared to upset him incase he hit me... i know tony isnt gonna hit me but his words hurt me much more then any punch ryan ever gave me, he makes me feel like everything is my fault.... i hate myself enough as it is, i know i'm not a nice person and yeah i probably am a waste of space but tony always used to make me feel good about myself.... y has he changed???... I'm just about to leave, not sure when i'll be back, ~Tony, I'll miss u hun.... i love u so much, please stop being like this with me~
A few people have asked y i'm leaving so quick and when will i be back?? the answers to both questions r, i'm leaving cuz it hurts 2 much 2 stay and when will i be back??? i have no idea, maybe in a few days, maybe a few weeks maybe even a few months.

Me and tony had a fight last night and now he wont talk to me... nice huh?? well i tried as much as i could 2 get him 2 talk to me last night but nothing worked, i emailed him and said that if i didnt get a reply from it that i would take it that he didnt wanna talk to me anymore.... and as of yet... no reply :o( thats really one of the main reason i'm going, i think its really childish to ignore me all because i wouldnt agree to do summit he wanted me 2, the crazy thing is i probably would do it if he made a little more of a effort, i love him so much but last night made me see that he cant really give a shit about me, he was like if it was the other way around i would still talk 2 u blah blah blah but he proved that wrong didnt he?? if he cant even talk to me now then no way he would talk to me if i had done what he has!! how can this ever be something if he treats me like this?? he made me look totally stupid i was trying to talk to him and he just ignored me....

Thursday, September 19, 2002

having a good day?? dont worry that wont last long!!! i have had enough of everything, friday i leave
y can things never just be normal??? yesterday was all fucked up.... 1st thing that happened i found out Tray has a kid and another due in like 2 months!! y didnt any of u's tell me??? some1 must have known!! so i was kinda pissed that he didnt tell me but then my aunt found weed in my room and freaked out and was going to kick me out, but i talked her into letting me stay and i found some other stuff out about my mother that i dont really wanna talk about right now but it kinda upset me.

Today was cool tho I went shopping with Tray and he spent loads of money on me and we got some really cute stuff for his kid, so i'm not pissed at him anymore, he said the words all girls wanna hear "baby u would look so beautiful in those pants, jeans, dress, shirt" whatever i picked up 2 show him hehe AND a really really pretty girl, she could have been a model, walked passed and i caught tray looking at her but i didnt say anything tho and he said "sam look at that girl.... shes almost as pretty as u r" then when we saw his friends he was like this is sam... i told u guys she was stunning :o) oh isnt it nice to be liked!!! hehe, we r still going up north for the weekend, i think we r leaving late friday night after he gets home from work so i wont be around all weekend, hope u dont miss me 2 much!!! hehe i really like Tray, he makes me feel really good about myself, he always says i'm beautiful and i refuse food cuz i'm on one of my many diets he is like "baby u dont need 2 lose any weight at all, if anything u could do with putting some on" so i have started to eat more..... so hopefully my love and hate relationship with food might get a little better now, i know what i do to myself isnt healthy... i didnt eat for 5days then i ate a huge pizza and 16 donuts and ice cream but where i hadnt eaten for so long it made me feel ill, i still feel guilty if i eat..... it sounds dumb but hunger pains make me feel good, its hard to explain........ i dont think i can explain it... oh well enough of my strange life now hehe

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

This blog is for my girls!! when did sex get that good?? I was awake all night again, and tray had called me and I didn’t answer so I called him back at 6am and he came round… lol ohmygod........... and oh baby that boys got no issues with showing a girl a good time, bad boys for life baby!!! only way to go.... i would marry this man just for the performance he put in last night!! but picking some1 to sleep with is the easy part.... its picking who to love thats the hard bit..... oh i like that..... did i just make that up or have i heard it somewhere?? let me know if any1 knows where it comes from, I know he will tell all his friends about it all so i might aswell tell mine 1st ;o)

"I went to ur bedroom 2 see u again, 2 miss u that much and for such a long, I went the isle to marry ur soul, 2 miss u that much, missing u more then life hoping that u feel the same, missing u more then life, missing u more then life, hope u feel the same, missing u more then life, its all over now, u’ve killed me, its all over now, u’ve killed me, its all over now, u’ve killed me, its all over now" ~InMe Firefly~

Hey r u all proud of me, i took off the necklace tony got me for a whole 12 hours..... :o\ ok so i know that wasnt really the idea...... i was meant to be making a brake from him.... it was a gift... it would be rude not to wear it.... (no comments about the rings and ear rings that ryan got me that got given to other people), i still do like him alot but i know its over :o( what do i care?? i got a b/f who is great in bed..... and thats enough.. right?? hmmm maybe if i say that enough i'll believe it...

If a guy sleeps around he is the man..... if a girl does.... she is me, pimpette for life hehehe