Saturday, August 17, 2002

Ohmygod i feel ill, and i REALLY do need to stop drinking so much, last night was another drunken one for me, it was cool tho, Ashley, Tammy, Emma, Kelly, Mel, Tamzin and Lucy came over to my house and we got very drunk and smoked alot and for anyone who knows us..... u can imagen! we ordered Pizza and scared the poor delivery boy.... we ate 3 meal deal things for 4 people between the 8 of us, well tonight is the start to the week long party so i probably wont be online (i know i shale be missed!) it should be cool tho.

my life - hmmmm i dunno..... i sent him an email yesterday, i cant really remember fully what i said in it cuz i was drunk but i think i more or less told him to either end things with his g/f or thats it between me and him.... but after thinking about it, i think it already is over because i shouldnt have had to tell him to end things with his g/f as if he really liked me he would have done it as soon as i came back, hehe i have to be a chicken and email it because i cant say it when we talk, i really dont think he cares anymore, i feel like he is just being nice to me and talking to me cuz he dont wanna tell me the truth so its easier.... maybe not......... and guys say women r hard to understand!! they r even worse! guys dont like to think about things, they just do them and once they do them they still dont think about things they just keep on doing whatever it is they have done, maybe i just read into things 2 much, i dont want him to think i'll just be there whenever he wants me because at the moment i feel like thats what i'm doing, i dont wanna be like one of those weirdo ex's and scream and shout about everything, but he either end things with his g/f or i'm gone and i really do mean it this time! i think the main reason i dont wanna push it is because 1. i shouldnt have 2, he should just do it and 2. because i dont want him to turn round and say "i'm not gonna do it, good bye" cuz then i'll be all weird and cry n shit, oh why am i so pathetic????? haha anyway if any1 needs me call my cell (07773 489772). Talk to u all in a weeks time.

Friday, August 16, 2002

I really do need to stop drinking.... hehe thanks for all the emails telling me that peeps!!.

The Party - woohoo week long party started this saturday so i wont be around to make any blogs for a week, well unless i come home but i'll probably stay at Vic's, this party is gonna rock, no live bands tho but still gonna be cool (if ur a pot head)

My life - still complicated!! hehe and i still have no idea whats going on, me and dan r over yay!! but i never really liked him i try and tell him (Tony) but i never seem to be able to push the matter enough so it kinda goes un-noticed (well i know he knows i have said it but he is a guy so unless i really push it he will say no more about it!) but to be honest i think i'm being really cool about it all, i could have really made things hard for him but is the reason i dont because i know he will just tell me to fuck off?? but then should that be the way things r? he did wrong not me but i am still the one making all the effort, he says he still cares n shit but if he did would he still be with his new g/f?? i think not but he dont see it that way.... i have always told him that i would take so much and then that would be it and i would just go and i think unless things change thats gonna happen, y should i do so much for some1 who isnt faithful to me?? and something that i cant get out of my mind.... when i found out and asked him he said he didnt want to tell me because he knew i would get upset n mad and shit.... and when we did talk it seemed like nothing had changed, so how do i know this is the 1st time? (well i know its the 2nd but i found out about the 1st and that was years ago) so how many times has this happened and i havent found out? maybe it is time for me to move on, unless he does some thinking and changes a few things i think i will be gone and the way i feel right now i'm very near just forgetting everything.... well i say that now but as soon as we talk again i'll change my mind, but no this time i mean it, i just gotta find a way of telling him he either ends stuff with her or i'm gone, i shouldnt even really be around now but i guess when u really care about some1 its hard to just walk away but as i said this time i wont stay for anymore bullshit, if he hasent made up his mind by the time i get back from the party its over totally, i hate doing that, it makes me feel stupid and childish but i'm no1's fool and i wont let him walk all over me, i do love him tho even tho i shouldnt! hehe oh well cant help the way i feel can i?



Thursday, August 15, 2002

arghhhh i am so close to making a total fool of myself again, how can i be so bothered by him? y cant i just either tell him everything or just stop talking to him?? y does it matter what i look like to him?? if he isnt interested then he will go anyway but still i keep my feelings to myself and only have alittle bitch moment at times....... so that makes it worse, he thinks i hate him now, the truth isnt easy to say, i just want things to be the same as before i went away..... y cant he just make it all back to normal?? the truth is that i am so hurt and really care alot for him and if he was 2 ask i would go back in a heart beat but he isnt going to ask cuz he has found some1 better and that is ripping me apart inside, i would have given up anything for him, loving some1 that much always scared me.... and now i know y!
Dan

OHHHHHHMYGOD he is a retard, i wanna kill him, he is like totally up in my face all the time, wanting to know where i am, who i'm with, he called me while i was at the farm riding my aunts horses so i didnt answer then he sent me a text message but i didnt reply cuz i was riding my aunts horses........ so he sends 6 text messages and calls me 18 (yes 18!!!!) times and leaves 5 voice messages, he is ment to be cool, he is a DJ, DJ's r ment to not care and just be cool with shit but oh no not the one i find! travel around america with him??? he would be lucky if i even travel the mall with him!! (well unless he is paying for everything i want cuz then i would be very happy to go shopping with him...) he bugs me so much!

Last night

last night we all went clubbing, it was so cool to see the girls all again and have it just be us girls, without all the stress of guys being weird, once again i was very drunk, i lay down on a bench in the middle of the street and wouldnt (well couldnt) get up, apart from that the night had been kinda normal till we met the boys..... who robbed an allotment...... see i told u men were weird!!

My life

its getting worse!! fuck it fuck it fuck it!!! i dont know what or who i want and i really need to stop drinking!!!

Wednesday, August 14, 2002

Dan

Maybe I have been alittle harse with the way i have judged Dan, sometimes i think i get carried away with the way things used to be, i hate change but then i think so do most people, this time i am really going to give him a chance, i just need to try and forget he used to be a player and has slept with urghh.... i dont even wanna know how many girls, but still.... will i be able to travel for 6 months with him and not stab him while he sleeps?? he was a real sweetie today, i had alot of fun with him.... he is cool when he isnt with his boys, but it was only 1 day not 6 months, maybe i need to think of the real reason y i want to go to america, is it 2 travel or because of a certain person?? maybe i only want to go because due to that person i wanted to go for so long and now i just think i want to go even when i dont..... hmm i dunno hehe

The Weekend!

how could i not talk about this weekend?? damn..... it was crazy!! after finally getting back with Josh for a whole 3 days he went back to the army monday :o( but anyway we had a crazy party at my house while my aunt and uncle were away, friday night i got rather drunk and yes.... it was me who stripped more or less naked..... some1 needs to not drink as much, Ash was her crazy self.... how many men in 1 night Ashley?? hehe it was great tho, we had SLP playing live in my house then Dan aka DJ Slip n Slide DJed till early hours in the morning (how weird... i had my now new b/f playing at my ex's party type thing) and who put the fish in the pool?? come on own up!!! then on saterday we had SLP, Sweet Revenge and Mullet Shop playing live in my house, awhole lot of crazy shit happened that night aswell but i think most is best left un-said!! sunday was kinda more chilled, it started off as a smoking night but ended with awhole lot more people then i remember asking turning up. It was great to see everyone tho!
Well..... I guess most people who read this will know who I am but for those who dont.... I'm Sam I'm a 20year old female from England and thats all u really need to know, the idea of this blog is for me to stop caring what people think of me and just be myself, this past week has been very...... eventful.... and i have realised that i keep way 2 much 2 myself and then get mad at people when they dont understand but then thats my fault so y do i get so mad?? i have spent alot of time being drunk and feeling sorry for myself, but i have lost 2 very important people, well i feel like i have lost them but after thinking about it neither were ever really mine to lose, normally i would just pretend i didnt care but this time the act is getting harder and harder to keep up. I know 1 of those people will be back but the other just seems to be slipping further and further out of my reach and i dont know how to stop it, maybe i need to tell him how i feel but my dumb old pride stops me, each day i'm like i'm not going to be taken as a fool, today i'll tell him to stick it but then along he comes and i'm all happy and joking, y am i so weak? part of me wants him to know how i feel but the other part just wants to save face and not make myself look as dumb as i feel, i think me trying to keep cool with it will just push him further away but i dont think i can be any other way, i really want to make him realise but i cant and probably never will, saying all that tho and i am already with some1 else.... but is it because i want to be?? the truth is... no, because he wants me and that makes me feel better about myself.... or does it? how can being with some1 just because they want me, make me feel better? partly it does but mostly it dont, it might sound selfish but i dont want him to be happy without me, if i'm not happy y should he be? i want him to not be able to sleep at night and to walk around like a zombie all day, not that i dont want him to be happy because i do.... i just want him to be happy with me.... does that make me a bitch? i know we could be so happy together.... but would i ever forget this? would this always be eating me inside and make me be a bitch? would i ever trust him again? do i even have any reason to feel like this? should i move on?? answers on a post card... hehe ;-) r u all confused yet?? ur almost on the same level as me if u r! well this is the 1st post of my blog and a long one.... but hey i have alot of issues! hehe