Saturday, August 24, 2002

ohmygod how things can change in only 2 days.....

Ryan
YYYYYYYYYY!!!!!????!!!!!????? i'm fucking back with him but i hate him...... after my last post i went to sleep and woke 2 my aunt screaming at me, she had come home and gone to move my stuff that i had left in the way and as she picked it up, it came open and drugs fell out, she more or less threw me out, she was like just get out of my sight till i calm down so i left and went back to the party, i was really upset cuz i knew i had fucked it up and ryan was there and came over to me 2 see y i was crying n shit, and where i had been drinking i just started talking and he was so sweet to me and i ended up going back to his house then last night when we got back from the party he had done something mean to one of my friends and i had got mad so i shouted at him and he hit me.... not hard but it scared me and he got really nasty, he keeps saying i'm fat and should stop eating and that if i cant leave cuz i have no where else to go, i was just starting to get my life sorted and now its all fucked up again and this time i dont think i can fix it, i would normally run away from it but i dont have anywhere to run 2, i know i shouldnt run away from it but i cant face it but this time i'm gonna have 2, i know life is a gift and everything but it dont feel like much of a gift at the moment..... i really do have nothing and no1, i dont think i want to carry on living this way, even when things seem really shit most people have a family to go to.... but i dont, i would normally go and see Tommy when i got really down but now i cant even do that, i know i am living in self pitty at the moment but i cant change that, i keep trying to tell myself things will get better but they just keep getting worse, if i wasent so scared of it going wrong i would kill myself....... seriously, but i am even 2 weak to do that so i just keep on trying to live this shit existence, oh i wouldnt ever really do that but at times feel like killing myself, i sound like such a weirdo.... hey fokes isnt my life interesting?? i know some of the peeps who read this have known me for along time and this is probably the 1st time they even realised i had feelings, i know i am seen and the joker with the evil stare, ok i really have to go cuz ryan will be back soon and i have left a mess in the kitchen and he will get mad at me.... oh no i am turning into a house wife...... arghhhh

Thursday, August 22, 2002

The Party
I havent slept yet so i came home to try and get some sleep before i die, i drank so much last night, i was singing buffalo soldier and jammin really loud and once again... i stripped, lol i really need to stop drinking, i slipped over 3 times on the wooden floor and have a huge bruse on my hip now.... oh and we walked to the store to get some more drink and as we walked passed a huge group of guys that were about 18-19 i felt i had to scream "i'm wearing no underwear" at them..... i'm not really totally in the party mood at the moment tho, i think thats y i drink so much
Timo
arghhh timo...... what a head jarr!! that boy is really messing with my head! hehe i have had so many issues with guys in the last few weeks i really should become a lesbian! he got mad at me last night cuz he says i flirt and that i am a cock tease! moi??? no way!!! i love timo to death cuz he is so cool and always makes me laugh and i admit i do hug him and sit on his lap alot but thats because i didnt think he liked me in that way at all! he always used to say "i would never date a white girl" and that he didnt like blondes..... well if he hadent noticed i am both!! and now he like wants me! i got the "i would never hurt u like the others have done" talk last night.... hehe but more or less every single guy i have ever dated has said that and i am sure they all mean it the moment they r saying it but they soon forget about that when some1 new/prettier/younger/easier/smarter/richer/slimer/with bigger tits comes along but the best line i like from guys is "i still love u" when what they really mean is -even tho i am fucking some1 else and am not even bothering to try and contact u but i still love u and miss u when i remember who u r and when i think i might get sex from both of u at the same time- and why is it that my ex's always date little girls after me?? none and really do mean none of them have dated any1 my age or older oh apart from rob who went out with some woman who was like 25 yuk (well so he said!) why do guys always do that?? cuz they r losers thats y!
My life
i have a life??? it dont feel like it at the moment, i am turning into one of those drop out losers, i didnt try at school, i dropped out of college, i cant keep a job(or a man at that matter!) all i do is drink and smoke pot.... hehe look at me feeling all sorry for myself!! oh well...... as i would normally say "chin up, tits out and keep smiling" why is it that i have like 5 guys who want me but i only want the one who dont want me??? cuz i'm a retard! hehe ok going to sleep now before i die

Wednesday, August 21, 2002

Remember I said i was going to be totally honest here?? well.... i'm finding everything really hard right now, i feel.... lost and very alone, i've been staying at my friends house with loads of people and i just feel alone, i smile and laugh and people think i'm happy, i think i really need to tell them how un-happy i really am.... going to america and tony was all i used to think of when i felt really down and it.. well he used to make me feel better, its not because i cant live without him or that kinda crap, its just he made things alot easier, i know i'm a strong person and i dont need a man to make me happy and normally by now i would have forgotten all about him but its weird..... i dont really know how to word it.... even tho i loved (love) him it was more then that..... he was like my excape from this shit hole i live in and now.... i dont have anything to help me get away from all this, hehe i'm gonna say something really dorky now.... i dont think there has been 1 night in all the time that we were together that i didnt think about him and going to america before i went to sleep and now i havent got that to think about i cant sleep, i just lay in bed making myself feel even worse, hehe who would want me back after i just said that?? it makes me sound pathetic and thats something i would hate to be, as i said tho, i'm not normally like that! i just cant forget it all this time, i m always the one who is happy and joking, i cant be the joker anymore but would any1 like me if i stopped?? where am i going with my life?? for the last few years i've been going to america, i just had to get the courage to do it and when i finally did it all went wrong and now i have lost everything, i bet ur all thinking i was stupid for giving up my life here for some guy.... but i really did think he was worth it and i thought he would give stuff up for me.... he once said he would.... but he cant even give up a girl he has been dating for a few weeks for some1 who has been in his life for 5 years, he emailed me saying that things were going to change in a couple of weeks and i'm so scared he is going to say its something to do with his g/f and that it will mean me and him r totally over.....

"laugh when ur winning and smile when ur down"

Monday, August 19, 2002

The party week

Has started well.... with the host getting so drunk she passed out on the floor and was throwing up for hours then in typical Sam style i also passed out and had to be carried to bed and woke in my underwear.... i still have no idea who undressed me! but i wasent sick... i dont think i was anyway! last night i stayed alittle more sober... only alittle tho but this time i managed to get myself to bed and undress myself, i have had to come home to get some clothes, have a shower and sleep then i have to go back again.

America

Me and AJ have had a fight and I am refusing to talk to her and I'm not going to stay with her or see her, she is such a bitch!! always trying to put me down and tell me what i can and cant do, we dont even live near each other anymore.. y cant she just let me be me and not be who she wants her cousin to be? and as i said before i had sent tony a email telling him to pick and well he hasent got back to me yet so he probably isnt going 2.... do i email him? arghhh this really is totally shit, i'm still kinda upset by it all and he isnt making any effort well i'm more mad with him now and i dont give a shit if he thinks i'm being mean or unfair, i dont think what he is doing if fair, but unless he lets me know whats going on within the next few days then i'm not going to america, i really did wanna ask him to travel with me cuz i couldnt think of any1 i would rather do it with but i am not going to fucking be a prissy bitch while he is fucking around.

anyway my head hurts and i feel sick so i'm gonna go sleep, if any1 needs me call my cell, i posted the number last time or email me Fantasy_2000_98@hotmail.com