Saturday, August 31, 2002

Today is a weird day for me.... i'm happy but not the same as normal, i'm either happy and hyper and talkative or down and i dont say much but today i'm a bit of both, 1min i'm laughing and joking around and then i start thinking about stuff and then go all weird... i'm really really really regretting selling Tommy, if i knew things were going to end up like this i would have never done it and i dont wanna go to America to live now.... i wanna travel, people keep saying it'll be great in Boston but whats so great about being in a place where i dont know any1 and being alone?? all i would have is AJ and we dont get on all that great most the time, i know i would make friends and stuff but..... its 2 daunting to do alone, i really dont think i'm strong enough to be alone at least here i have my friends and "family" if u can call them that.... rather dysfunctional but still its some1, i think i wanna find some1 to travel with and go to New Zealand or Australia or even Europe.... urghh seconds thoughts not Europe (and don’t any1 say that England is part of Europe cuz i aint no fucking European), my aunt is staying in London again this weekend but when she gets back i'm gonna tell her i dont wanna move to Boston anymore..... i'm just looking at my ticket... in 129days time i would be arriving at Logan airport... i cant go..... it isnt going to make my life any easier, its gonna make things worse but i know i get in trouble here alot but i still have alot of people who help me when i am in deep shit but what happens if i find trouble in boston but havent found any1 to help me out of it?? oh i dunno!!!

Friday, August 30, 2002

"At night she’s alone, she’s dreaming of somebody new, her some1 for to hold, she praying the dream will come true, show me the way show me, show me how, help me be brave for love, show me the way, show me, tell me how, what do u say…. There’s a pain in her heart she trying so hard to unwind, makes her cry in the night when visions so real make her blind, wants to brake through the fear, erasing the scars from within, start a new kind of being, she’s down and she’s praying again, show me the way.. show me, show me how, help me be brave for love, show me the way, show me tell me how, what do u say, u see she’s turning the key unlocking the door, embracing the roller coaster world, stepping outside with body and soul taking whatever the future holds, turning the key unlocking the door, embracing the roller coaster world, ur taking in stride, ur just 25, u know we’ve all been hurt before, so ur not alone, no ur not alone."
Life sucks

I've been feeling really ill, my stomach is hurting really bad and this morning i woke up unable to move cuz the pain was so bad so my aunt took me to the hospital, bad news!! i'm not even 21 yet and i have fucked up the lining of my stomach due to alcohol abuse, they did some other tests to make sure everything else is cool, they gave me some pills and i have to take 3, 4 times aday, i'm gonna rattle!! I really didnt think i drank that much and i am only young!! but they said its because i dont eat and then drink neat vodka and stuff and its like killing my insides, they said i cant drink vodka or any other spirts now, crappy, but i have been drinking more or less every single day for 3 months and getting so drunk that i dont remember stuff most nights...... yay fun friday night for me... i'm going to have a shower and wash my hair and then go to bed and watch friday night TV (friends then will and grace then trigger happy TV and then graham norton that takes me up to 11!!) i got a huge lecture about having a drink problem... but i dont drink cuz i have 2, i do it cuz i want 2 but from today on i am looking after myself, i am going to eat healthy and not drink and not smoke.... hmmm well 2 outta 3 isnt bad... If 1 of my friends acted like way i am at the moment i would bitch at them! i remember not so long ago stressing at tony for drinking to much n shit.... i am such a hypocrite!!! hehe some1 send me summit pretty to make me feel better, maybe my new job will help sort my life out alittle!!

"there's a deep girl in the corner shop selling sugar for money in the dead of the night and her souls in the sugar and her hearts in the mud and she's crying with a stranger for some1 2 love and she says look at me, see me, look at me, save me, free me, find me, cuz if theres somebody for some1 yeah look at me, somebody's gonna make it right"

Thursday, August 29, 2002

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmygod some people r just so fucking sad, they need to keep out of others business!! people know i cant stand them getting all up in my face so y do they still do it?? i'm trying real hard to keep calm and no over react and then u get alice and sarah-jane....... who do they think they r coming to my house to start shit?? i told alice that i would smash her face in if she kept talking shit but did she stop? nooooo, i really could have killed her, she talks so much shit!! it was lucky the girls were here to stop me, i hate fighting.... its really not a very nice thing for girls to do but i just get so mad that i think i'll explode if i dont let it out, and what gives them the right to bitch about me?? people suck so much!! i think when u find people who dont suck u really need to hang on to them, "THE GIRLS" - u keep me sain, dont ever change the way u r, the warrigal slappers rock!!! hehe and lets all not fall out over what people say or do to us, i know alot of u's think that i thought i was 2 good for u all but that was never true, u make me laugh when no1 else can, people might think we r all hoes but we know the truth (apart from ashley hehe j/k hun!!) no1 else would dance with me in the fountain in the middle of the town center, keep dancing, keep singing and keep laughing "shoulders back, tits out, heads high and... smile", MY BOYS - oh guys u mean so much to me, u help me and my girls out, u make us all feel beautiful when we have just thrown up and cant walk due to drink, u carry us home and drive us places... hehe we really would be fucked without u's!!! u all know when i need a hug and make me realise i'm not as bad as i think, thank u for helping me carry on living! MAX - u might be a bad boy and a player but i love u, just try and treat girls better and remember u would kill any guy who treated me and the way u treat ur girls, i'm proud of u for taking care of ur responsibilities. Ok this is my last one ;-) TONY i know this is probably 2 late but i love u so much, i know i didnt show it enough but i just find it hard, u helped me so much more then u ever would have known, when i'm bitchy its only cuz i'm hurting... i know u didnt know what was going on but i cant keep letting myself get hurt (even tho u dont mean 2) my pride stops me from doing so much and telling u alot but now i have lost u i am realising how much i cared, i dont think even i knew, i know u dont feel the same but i wanted u 2 know that i never loved any1 as much as u, u make me smile u make things worth while... i miss u, i hope its not 2 late for us
I got a job.... great! means getting up early working allllllllllllllllllllll day so no drinking, no drugs........ some1 kill me now!! its in london until jan to see how i get on and if i'm doing well i have a job waiting for me in boston... i dont wanna go!!! but how can i tell my aunt after she has done so much for me?? she is like so r u excited i just smile and go yeah... oh i'm sure it'll be ok once i get there, i might aswell be there alone cuz i would only be here alone other wise!!

"There is fiction between…. the lines on ur page and memories, write it down but its doesn’t mean ur not just telling stories, there is fiction between…. u and reality, u would do and say anything to make ur every day life seem less mundane, there is fiction in the space between…. u and me, there’s a science fiction in the space between… u and me, the fabrication on a grande sceam, I am the scary monster…..break the words and make me believe there is truth in the space between…" i am liking this song!!! hehe its like no matter how much u wanna believe some1 there is always alittle part of u making u doubt them... and a few words from them would change alot but no matter how long u wait and how much u want them to say it, they never do and u always seem to be the 1 in the wrong... maybe thats just life... life sucks hehe

My so called life (any1 remember that tv show??) in normal sam fashion i am "cool with everything" and only get alittle bitchy at times but inside i wanna bitch slap some people real hard just to try and get a reaction out of them.... i do that alot hehe... i'm sure most people who know me well know that, i say things that i dont mean 2 see what reaction i get, such a girly thing hey girls?? hehe the whole "lets be friends" is a great 1 of mine.... and i get pissed when the answer is "ok cool, yeah lets be friends" the reply i was after was "oh but i dont want to be just friends blah blah" hmmmm 1day maybe i'll get the reply i want!! hehe ok enough for today, talk to u all later

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

if ur happy and u know it clap ur hands *clap clap* if ur happy and u know it and u really want to know it if ur happy and u know it clap ur hands *clap clap*


Mark - me and mark had another talk last night cuz he sent me a text message saying he liked me and wanted me to be his g/f so i called him cuz i didnt want it 2 be weird between us and we talked for ages but finally.... we r friends and we r gonna see how things go...
Tony - hmmm i emailed him saying that it was 2 late for us to sort things out.... it just seems like he has all of a sudden started to regret what happened and stuff and its the same kinda time that his g/f is going to leave.... i said i wanted to stay friends but nothing more.... if i keep saying that even i might start to believe it.... i just dont want him to think he can keep doing shit like that and that i'll just forgive him as soon as he wants me back... i dont think he realises how badly he hurt me and him being nice to me a few times isnt gonna make up for that....... a car/boat and private jet might do it tho... hehe j/k, i just feel like he didnt really care all the time he had some1 else near by and now she is moving away and he knows i'm moving near he wants me back..... oh i dunno!
The girls - damn..... huge fight between Ashley and Tamzin.... every1 knows Ash likes Max and i didnt know till she came over my house with him... but Tamzin is his new girlfriend.... she knew how much ashley likes him so its kinda mean of her but i told her max will just mess her around (dont bitch at me max... we all know ur a player!) so today it all blew up and ashley is mad at me for not telling her as soon as i knew but i told tam to tell her but she didnt... she told emma and emma told ashley.... hehe do girls stab each other in the back so much?? we r so mean!! most girls fall out over guys tho!! Girlys they really are not worth it!!! they dont think about anything before they do it... well they let there dicks guide them into making decisions... its a case of "if i do this i stand a better chance of getting sex" not "if i do this i'll get sex but i'll hurt some1 i care about and who cares about me so it really isnt worth doing" haha oh guys suck!! (sorry boys! hehe)

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

Well its been a couple of days since my last post... has much changed?? kinda i guess!
Ryan - I am amazed to say but i havent heard anything else from ryan, normally i would have the phone calls at all times of night and early hours of the morning and him turning up at my house or where ever i am but this time... nothing!
Mark - *sigh* oh mark.... hmmm nothing will ever happen between me and mark, he is lovely, really lovely and i know loads of girls who would give anything to be with him but i'm not 1 of them.... i think i was fooling myself into thinking i liked him just cuz he had been nice to me and cuz i knew he liked me but last night he, max and tamzin came over and max took tamzin home early cuz she had work so that left me and mark alone.... arghhhhhh, well a nice little chat turned into a deep and meaningful talk and he turns out.... he loves me and has done for years... well so he said! i never asked him to love me and i cant help it if i dont like him in that way but y do i feel so guilty??
My life - i dunno!! love is a funny thing, i think its just a dream world in where u find some1 who loves u just as much as u love them, a relationship is never totally balanced, some1 always cares for the other more and some1 always gets hurt, crap huh?? hehe, sometimes tho, even if u think u have made such a total fuck up of things that cant be fixed but if u want something enough u gotta keep trying, u never know that person might just be waiting for u 2 say something.

Sunday, August 25, 2002

ohhhhhhhhhhhmygod things get worse!!! its now crazy almost got killed sucking monkey balls shit!

owen, max and mark beat ryan and mark just told me and i feel sooooooooooooo guilty, i knew ryan would hit me again if i went back to him but i still did it.... its like u know a lion will eat u if u piss it off and then going up to a lion and slapping it and then it getting shot when its eaten u...... maybe i'm dumb for feeling bad cuz i know he shouldnt have done it but.... i dunno!

my aunts been talking to her friend about getting me a job in Boston (any1 think she is trying to get rid of me??) i still dunno if i wanna go now, i think i was living in a dream world and now the bubble has burst and..... i dunno what to do, i'll probably keep the "hey i'm cool with this" attitude maybe i should take up acting?? i would win awards for the act i'm keeping up right now!

When u think things cant get worse.... they get crazy gonna get killed shit.....
how can some1 get so mad so easy and not get a aneurysm??? it all blew up last night and once again he got violent with me all because he talked to tony and tony said some stuff, ryan is really evil! i was in the kitchen and he came in and smiled at me then he grabbed me by the throat and push me backwards, i hit out to try and make him let go so he hit me in the stomach and tried to pour boiling water over my face.... i think he did it 2 scare me more then anything cuz i didnt get burnt and i think if he had wanted the water to burn me it would have done but then he just walked off again and he was going clubbing with his friends just before he left he was like "u had better hope i'm in a good mood when i get back cuz other wise ur in trouble for talking shit about me to people" so i was freaking out and started to call everyone i could think of who i could go stay with but most people r scared of ryan (i wonder y!) in the end Owen said i could stay with him and he came and picked me up after he had finished work, ryan really scared me last night, i felt sick where i was so scared.... i really did think he was going to kill me if i had still been at his house when he got home.
Isnt it weird how 1 night can totally change ur views on people?? mark was always been around but has just been "max's friend" and i know we had a ..... errr thing (yeah thing is a good word) a couple of years ago it was nothing serious, it was just something that happened when we got drunk and we had another "thing" in the bathroom at Vic's party week hehe (i'm a hoe! i cant help it!!) i never really thought of mark in a relationship way but last night when i went back to owens, his brother and mark and marks brother were there (i dont think owen was very happy!!) mark and me stayed up talking all night and i had always seen him as being like max.... a player who tells girls what they want to hear, but last night he was different, maybe it was because he was not with the boys but he was great to talk to, he gives really good advise and he is looking good now, he looks like romeo from so solid crew with his hair like it is now and i dont think anything is ever going to happen between me and tony now and mark is a nice guy....... watch this space on that one!
My life.... well i'm back at my aunts house