Friday, September 06, 2002

I have done awhole lot of thinking and yes my poor little blonde brain cell (i do have 1!!) is hurting!

1st thing I was thinking about was my life here - in 2 words.. "it sucks" so i am 100% sure on going to america, even if i dont stay there for long it will be good for me to get out of this rut i am stuck in, life here isnt going to well, everytime i get my life back on track i get knocked back off, maybe a whole new start is what i need, with new people who dont know my back ground... so yes I am doing it alone, i need to get away from all the family members who r trying so hard to control me and only making me even more fucked up.

2nd thing was Tony... hmmm i still am madly in love with him but i know its over, to start with i clung to the hope that he would change his mind and decide i was still what he wanted, i guess he has moved on and thats what i have to do, he did change me alot more then he knew, he is such a special person in my eyes, some people u love to much to lose and even tho being just friends broke my heart, its better then not having him in my life at all.

I did think about alot more stuff but its 2 much 2 put in this

Thursday, September 05, 2002

"Blurry"

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my sea
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

Everyone is changing
there's no one left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my sea
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

[Chorus]

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

[Chorus]

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

This song says how i feel so much better then i ever could
Well its now september..... dont time fly??? dont ya think its funny.... when we r kids we cant wait to be grown up.... but sucks being an "adult" (if u can call me that....) u have to take responsability for ur own actions and u cant keep hiding behind other people and some1 isnt going to come along and save u from all ur problems and running away from them wont help u.... staying and facing them and coming out on top makes u a stronger person?

I'm sure alot of u's know whats been going on in the last week with me.... if u were wondering.... i didnt do it to myself, i'm 2 strong for that, look twice at the people who were with me that night.... some1 is hiding a dark secret and believe me once i'm better and i find out who did it.... they r dead, thanks for every1 who sent me cards and emails, its really nice to know who cares and who dont, i wont be around for a while cuz i've been told i have to chill for a week or 2 and i swear on my life.... i'm gonna make the most of everyday from now on and i'm gonna say whats on my mind.

"How we can come from practically nothing to being able to have any fuckin' thing that we wanted/That's why we sing for these kids, who don't have a thing except for a dream, and a fuckin' rap magazine/who post pin-up pictures on they walls all day long, idolize they favorite rappers and know all they songs/Or for anyone who's ever been through shit in their lives, till they sit and they cry at night wishin' they'd die/Till they throw on a rap record and they sit, and they vibe"