Saturday, September 14, 2002

How many more times can i keep making myself feel like this??? what the fuck am i doing with my life?? nothing thats what i'm doing!! well apart from fucking it up.

hmmm Justin..... oh he is such a sweetie but i think i have fucked things up once again!! we were meant to be going away today but i got totally fucked last night and Justin stressed at me cuz i was meant to be going to meet him at soundz last night but when he called me i was totally stoned and unable to walk or talk very well and he gave me a huge lecture... so i did what any brain dead girl would do.... i kept on smoking and called the guy i have been trying so hard to get over.... isnt it crazy how just hearing some1s voice can make so many feelings come back?? but this isnt me! i dont do things like this.... guys get upset over me, i'm always the one to end things and have them wanting me back, but i'm in a situation where i just cant stop loving him and cant face that its over... we talked for hours and after i put the phone down i felt like crap, i dont even know y... i think it was because i couldnt say the things i wanted 2.... i wanting to say i missed him and couldnt stop thinking about him and that i still loved him but it wont make any difference, apart from making me feel 1000 times worse... i think the main problem is, i only need a tiny hint that he still likes me and might get back with me and i just go back to being crazy about him and he wont say that its over for good or if we wants me back... so i dont know whats going on.... :o( I'm still waiting for the normal sam to come back and be a bitch and scream and shout at him and ignore him.... i dont think its going to happen with this one..... oh well....

Maybe one day I'll get my life sorted, till then.... welcome to the strange life of me

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

I have just got home from Justin's.... ;-) and no its not what u think.... he dropped me home b4 he went to work, we went to Soundz (most of u's probably saw me!! didnt i look cute?? hehehe j/k) and then went back to Justins to book a cab but couldnt get 1 for hours so we stayed up talking allllllll night, it was so cool, he is really sweet, it was good 2 have some1 to talk 2 who didnt get mad at me over silly things or who didnt try and jump on me every 2 seconds and he made me feel important, he made me feel like, i was at that moment in time all that mattered, i told him about all the shit with ryan, dan, jamie, josh and tony and for once i didnt get the "i'll never treat u the way they have" i got "guys r dumb, we never know what or who we want, give us a choice and we fall apart, i'm sure none of them meant to hurt u (but then he did get a little corny with) i cant understand y any1 wouldnt be able to put u 1st" hehe oh he is so lovely and really cute but at the moment i still like tony more so i guess we'll just keep things cool.

Tony wants me to go to america b4 he end things with his g/f.... and i said i would.... am i dumb? what happens if 2 days b4 i leave he decides he likes her 2 much to end things? what happens with me then?? i know he dont wanna end things with her incase i dont go and to start with i was thinking how mean it was 2wards me but then i realised how mean it is to her.... poor girl, she is with some1 she thinks likes her and he is saying if some1 else comes over he will end things with her, in my book if some1 did that to me, i would class them as users and i'm the selfish 1???? but i'm dumb and i'll do it all because i cant walk away from this one.... I love ya tony :-) oh well time to sleep.

Love ya's all

Monday, September 09, 2002

I dont really know whats going on in my life.... all i know is that it sucks, i hate feeling powerless but thats what i am at the moment, i have no control of what i want, i'm offering to do everything in my power but its not enough and every day its dragging me down more and more, i still cant sleep at night i just lay awake with so much crap in my mind but i cant make him love me enough to do it so i guess i should just stop now before i make myself look any more needy, i am acting so weak but i really do love him, if i didnt i would have been long gone by now, i have tried to get on with my life but it just makes me even more un-happy cuz he isnt part of it, i know what happened isnt his fault but i want so badly for us to work, but that seems even less likely to happen as every day passes..... i cant do anything....