Friday, September 20, 2002

tony really needs to talk to me... i have no idea what the fucks going on!! i want for us to work out so badly.... i guess i need to swallow my pride but he is being so mean 2 me... he is really hurting me being like this, i'm scared to say anything incase he gets mad at me.... its like how ryan used to make me feel.... i was scared to upset him incase he hit me... i know tony isnt gonna hit me but his words hurt me much more then any punch ryan ever gave me, he makes me feel like everything is my fault.... i hate myself enough as it is, i know i'm not a nice person and yeah i probably am a waste of space but tony always used to make me feel good about myself.... y has he changed???... I'm just about to leave, not sure when i'll be back, ~Tony, I'll miss u hun.... i love u so much, please stop being like this with me~
A few people have asked y i'm leaving so quick and when will i be back?? the answers to both questions r, i'm leaving cuz it hurts 2 much 2 stay and when will i be back??? i have no idea, maybe in a few days, maybe a few weeks maybe even a few months.

Me and tony had a fight last night and now he wont talk to me... nice huh?? well i tried as much as i could 2 get him 2 talk to me last night but nothing worked, i emailed him and said that if i didnt get a reply from it that i would take it that he didnt wanna talk to me anymore.... and as of yet... no reply :o( thats really one of the main reason i'm going, i think its really childish to ignore me all because i wouldnt agree to do summit he wanted me 2, the crazy thing is i probably would do it if he made a little more of a effort, i love him so much but last night made me see that he cant really give a shit about me, he was like if it was the other way around i would still talk 2 u blah blah blah but he proved that wrong didnt he?? if he cant even talk to me now then no way he would talk to me if i had done what he has!! how can this ever be something if he treats me like this?? he made me look totally stupid i was trying to talk to him and he just ignored me....

Thursday, September 19, 2002

having a good day?? dont worry that wont last long!!! i have had enough of everything, friday i leave
y can things never just be normal??? yesterday was all fucked up.... 1st thing that happened i found out Tray has a kid and another due in like 2 months!! y didnt any of u's tell me??? some1 must have known!! so i was kinda pissed that he didnt tell me but then my aunt found weed in my room and freaked out and was going to kick me out, but i talked her into letting me stay and i found some other stuff out about my mother that i dont really wanna talk about right now but it kinda upset me.

Today was cool tho I went shopping with Tray and he spent loads of money on me and we got some really cute stuff for his kid, so i'm not pissed at him anymore, he said the words all girls wanna hear "baby u would look so beautiful in those pants, jeans, dress, shirt" whatever i picked up 2 show him hehe AND a really really pretty girl, she could have been a model, walked passed and i caught tray looking at her but i didnt say anything tho and he said "sam look at that girl.... shes almost as pretty as u r" then when we saw his friends he was like this is sam... i told u guys she was stunning :o) oh isnt it nice to be liked!!! hehe, we r still going up north for the weekend, i think we r leaving late friday night after he gets home from work so i wont be around all weekend, hope u dont miss me 2 much!!! hehe i really like Tray, he makes me feel really good about myself, he always says i'm beautiful and i refuse food cuz i'm on one of my many diets he is like "baby u dont need 2 lose any weight at all, if anything u could do with putting some on" so i have started to eat more..... so hopefully my love and hate relationship with food might get a little better now, i know what i do to myself isnt healthy... i didnt eat for 5days then i ate a huge pizza and 16 donuts and ice cream but where i hadnt eaten for so long it made me feel ill, i still feel guilty if i eat..... it sounds dumb but hunger pains make me feel good, its hard to explain........ i dont think i can explain it... oh well enough of my strange life now hehe

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

This blog is for my girls!! when did sex get that good?? I was awake all night again, and tray had called me and I didn’t answer so I called him back at 6am and he came round… lol ohmygod........... and oh baby that boys got no issues with showing a girl a good time, bad boys for life baby!!! only way to go.... i would marry this man just for the performance he put in last night!! but picking some1 to sleep with is the easy part.... its picking who to love thats the hard bit..... oh i like that..... did i just make that up or have i heard it somewhere?? let me know if any1 knows where it comes from, I know he will tell all his friends about it all so i might aswell tell mine 1st ;o)

"I went to ur bedroom 2 see u again, 2 miss u that much and for such a long, I went the isle to marry ur soul, 2 miss u that much, missing u more then life hoping that u feel the same, missing u more then life, missing u more then life, hope u feel the same, missing u more then life, its all over now, u’ve killed me, its all over now, u’ve killed me, its all over now, u’ve killed me, its all over now" ~InMe Firefly~

Hey r u all proud of me, i took off the necklace tony got me for a whole 12 hours..... :o\ ok so i know that wasnt really the idea...... i was meant to be making a brake from him.... it was a gift... it would be rude not to wear it.... (no comments about the rings and ear rings that ryan got me that got given to other people), i still do like him alot but i know its over :o( what do i care?? i got a b/f who is great in bed..... and thats enough.. right?? hmmm maybe if i say that enough i'll believe it...

If a guy sleeps around he is the man..... if a girl does.... she is me, pimpette for life hehehe

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

oh wow Tray is so cool, I have had the most amazing time with him, he is so great, i havent been this happy for ages, i really really like Tray and i think i have finally realised that me and tony r over, i think it was just hard to admit to myself that he dont want me anymore, i guess i just thought that being there for 5 years would count more then being gone for 2 months, oh well thats the end of that anyway.... now i got Tray things might get easier... its kinda weird to hear nice stuff coming out of his mouth.... hehe normally its just gang talk, but thats something we both have in common.... we r both misunderstood, neither of us have had an easy time of growing up... he told me he wanted to be here to make my life happy, cuz 1 of my smiles is worth a million pounds hehe how sweet??? :o) i get butterflys in my stomach when he walked into a room or smiles at me, the last person who gave me butterflys in my stomach was tony, so even if i only like tray half as much as i liked tony things we'll be cool, lets just see how things go!

This song could have been written about me!! hehe its so what i'm like!
Is it ok if I speak to u today? U’ve been pissed off for a week now, but nothing I could say could make u look up or crake up… is there anything that I can do, anything to show u, ur a bitch but I love u anyway, ohhhh u cant sing but u still put me to sleep, hey ur a bitch hey hey hey hey, u make me sick but don’t ever go away, so u tell me that there’s nothing left to say, "I’d rather u face the window" then ur in my face telling me to grow up ohhhh "I wish ur'd grow up" ohhhh I cant wait until u fall asleep, I wonder if u know that ur a bitch but I love u anyway, oohhh u cant sing but u still put me to sleep, hey ur a bitch hey hey hey hey, u make me sick but don’t ever go away…… la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la….. Ur a bitch but I love u anyway, ohhh u cant sing but u still put me to sleep, hey ur a bitch hey hey hey hey, make me sick but don’t ever go away, yeah ur a bitch but I love u anyway, so y don’t ya stay?

Monday, September 16, 2002

oh and 1 other thing i have realised.... ll cool j has the most amazing body ever!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr oh what i wouldnt give for 1 night.... *cough* chhmm anyway hehehe
ok after some more thinking.... i have come up with this....

Justin - i dont wanna be with any1 who trys 2 tell me who i can and cant talk 2, if i let him tell me what 2 do now i will end up being controlled by him

Josh - my 1st true love... but i couldnt be with him because of the army and i could never ask him to give that up for me, i hope with all my heart that u r happy Josh!!! u deserve so much better then i could have ever given u, i'll always love u!

Ryan - 2 much shit has gone on to ever be friends but i am sorry if he thinks i have played with his head, i hope life treats him well.

Tony - hmmm..... i am making tonys life hard by wanting to be with him, so i'm gonna stop, well at least i'm gonna stop talking about it but i hope we can stay friends and maybe 1 day we'll fix things between us, luv ya hun, dont ever change cuz some cwazy girl likes ya just the way r u.... but she would like u even more if u stopped disagreeing with her and stopped being mean to her and stopped putting up away messages when she was talking 2 u!! hehe, oh and stopped sulking!! ur always be my special some1

Tray - any1 remember how much i used to be in love with tray at school?? hehe remember my english folder?? remember how upset i was when he got with Ally Jones?? and remember i said 1 day he would want me??? well it happened!! ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmygod yay!!!! we r just keeping things cool for now! he is 1 of the only guys i know who can dance with me without looking dumb!! hehe

My life - its what i make it and i'm gonna make it good from now on, life is 2 short!
i always make things worse, i always make people feel bad about themselves, i'm really not a very nice person, justin wants me 2 not talk to tony again and after many more hours of talking and getting no where i was almost ready to leave and never come back.... but i cant, y cant he just make up his mind.... but maybe he already has and dont wanna tell me.....

ryan.... if any1 knows whats going on with ryan please tell me....

Sunday, September 15, 2002

when a girl feels down what else can she do apart from shop???? and shop i have done! onmygod i love clothes and hats and shoes and boots.... i feel so much better now and i even have nice shoes.... ohh cool and another hat to add to my collection! (hehe ya all know about my love for hats) and i got chatted up by a really cute guy.... but i'm going to get things with Justin sorted, he called me saying that he had brought me summit, that was my real reason for going shopping really 2 get something for his b-day but i kinda got side tracked when i saw cool boots and hats and clothes and stuff but i still got summit for Justin.... he said that he is going to come back friday so i can go back with him for the weekend cuz i dont wanna get the train all that way on my own, i told ya he was a sweet heart!! i told him that he should have a good time with his friends and 2 not worry about me for that week, but it'll be nice to spend the weekend with him, away from all this.... maybe it'll help things.
You left me with goodbye and open arms
A cut so deep I don't deserve
You were always invincible in my eyes
The only thing against us now is time

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true
If I only had one more day

I lie down and blind myself with laughter
A quick fix of hope is what I'm needing
And how I wish that I could turn back the hours
But I know I just don't have the power

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true
If I only had one more day

I'd jump at the chance,
We'd drink and we'd dance
And I'd listen close to your every word,
As if it's your last, I know it's your last,
Cause today, oh, you're gone

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true
If I only had one more day

Like sand on my feet,
The smell of sweet perfume
You stick to me forever
And I wish you didn't go
I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go away
To touch you again,
With life in your hands,
It couldn't be any harder.. harder.. harder
Yesterday was a bad day for me… I think its cuz I got really stoned the night before and that has a habit of making me feel a bit down the next day, Justin called me yesterday to say sorry for bitching at me Friday and to see how I was feeling, I said I still felt a bit sick…. He wants me to get the train down and he’ll pay for it cuz he wants to see me on his birthday…. I gave it a lot of thought and I think I’m going to try and really give things between me and Justin a chance, but I didn’t say if I would go or not I just said I would see how I felt, he is everything I ever wanted in a guy but y don’t I want him??? He is such a sweet guy, has the most beautiful eyes and a smile to die for, he makes me laugh and laughs at my stupid ness and everyone likes him, he would keep me away from trouble, he trys to understand the reason I am the way I am, so why am I not deliriously happy?? I think I need to try and forget about a certain person and carry on my life with Justin, I just hope Justin will wait around for that to happen, Justin says all the things any girl could want to hear but I just want to hear them from some1 else and I know loads of girls would jump at the chance to be with him, he is so lovely and every time I touch him he don’t try and make it sexual, I lay across him while watching a movie the other night and he didn’t once try and make a move on me, he has moved on so y cant I?? I wish I could stop my feelings towards that certain person but I cant and I cant lie to other people about it, I cant be telling Justin that I like him and want to be with him and then be telling some1 else that I still love them, its not fair to any1. Justin said he has liked me for years, haha he said he started liking me when I got push out of the girls locker room in my underwear and I just stood there laughing and swearing, he said he hated seeing me with Ryan cuz he knew Ryan would hurt me, y am I even doing all this?? Is it worth me hanging on to some1 who isn’t interested in me anymore? He cant truly care for me cuz he wouldn’t let his keep happening, he knows how much this is hurting me…. I really need to let go, he had so y cant i??