The strange life of me

2002-09-27T10:59:00.000Z

So how many of u's saw the fight?? ohhhhhhhmygod that bitch hit me hard!! i cant leave the house till my lip has healed, she has totally split my lip open and its really swollen and i can only just talk but i sound retarded cuz i cant move my bottom lip very well and my tooth was really loose but i cant move it as much now so i dunno what was up with that!!

Timo (timoooo we love u, timooooo we do, timo we love u and wanna fuuuuuck u hehe) came round last night and made fun of my lip alllllllllllllll night, i had really missed my timo and the rest of the boys, we had some really good times while living together.

Did I tell u all that me and tray broke up?? i cant remember and i cant be bothered to look, but yeah we broke up, he was kinda mad at me for my reasons but i think he understands now and it cool with it, me and tony had a talk about stuff and i dont think we have really sorted anything out, we never really talk about things long enough b4 1 of us has to leave or gets mad at the other, but i dunno..... ok off to ice my lip and try smoke..... its not easy when the middle of ur lip is split and so swollen u cant put ur lips together.... poor me

2002-09-26T07:54:00.000Z

"Don’t stray don’t ever go away, I should be much to smart for this, u know it gets the better of me, sometimes when u and I collide I fall into a ocean of u, pull me out in time don’t let me drown, let me down, says its all because of u, and here I go losing my control, I’m practicing ur name so I can say it 2 ur face, it doesn’t seem right to look u in the eyes and let all the thing u mean to me come tumbling out my mouth in deed its time to tell u y, says its infinitely true,

Say ur stay don’t come and go like u do, sway my way, yeah I need to know all about u, and there’s no cure, no way to be sure y everything has turned inside out and still in so much doubt, it makes me so sad I feel so uninspired, my head is battling with my heart my logic had been torn apart and now its all turned sour, come sweets in every afternoon.

Say ur stay don’t come and go like u do, sway my way, yeah I need to know all about u, say ur stay don’t come and go like u do, sway my way, yeah I need to know all about u, its all because of u, its all because of u….

Now it all turns sour, come sweets in every afternoon, its time to tell u y, say its infinitely true, say ur stay don’t come and go like u do, sway my way, yeah I need to know all about u, say ur stay don’t come and go like u do, sway my way yeah I need to know all about u, its all because of u, its all because of u, its all because of u"

I really like this song, its from the 1st america pie movie and is on my "i'm a pot head and need summit mellow to listen 2" CD, I think it explains how i feel about some people, like when u like some1 so much that ur scared that ur not good enough or that what u wanna say isnt going to sound right and when ur in a relationship with some1 and u never know if they really like u or if they r just playing with ya and u feel like ur losing them

2002-09-24T17:46:00.000Z

Another night without sleep.... now feeling kinda crap, i really dont know what 2 do with Tray and everything, part of me is saying just leave now but then i dont know.... i really do like him but i dont think that its enough.... oh well i'm gonna go think some more and then i'll update u all later

2002-09-23T21:20:00.000Z

"Isn't it amusing how what seems so poetic one moment seems pathetic the next? It seems somehow connected to how quickly we go from smitten to devastated and back again. And I think the only constant is change itself. These days I can't even count on myself to remain constant - nor would I want to. What I am is so much right now, so many possibilities...

I have come to the realization that I am perpetually coming-of-age.

"Water is always in motion and, as it moves, it reflects the world..." "

cool quote huh??

2002-09-23T07:45:00.000Z

i hate the fucking M6 and the M1..... traffic was awful..... we have only just got back, poor Tray had to drive all night while i tried to sleep, it normally takes about 6 hours cuz of the traffic it took us 9.... mmm nice huh?? its lucky we didnt drive back in the day time cuz that would have taken us even longer... ok enough about the shit car ride, the weekend was cool, Tray had a few things he needed to do, we were gonna stay abit longer but he had to come back cuz of some problem with the baby, he told me a few things while we were away that have made me realise i really need to think about me and him.... he wants to get full custody of the baby thats gonna be born cuz the girl dont want it, she was going to get it aborted but tray didnt want her 2 then she said she was gonna get it adopted so Tray said he'll have the baby.... can everyone see where this is heading??? i see me, tray and some1 elses baby..... hmmm, oh i'm not being nasty but i dont think i would be able to do that, i'm really not the mothering type and i know if u take on a guy with kids u take on the kids but me and tray were only ever meant to be casual, things cant be casual if there is a baby involved cuz it isnt fair on the kid to have different women coming and going in its life.... oh i dunno

i have done a lot of thinking about things with me and tony aswell.... i dont think he likes me anymore.... to be totally honest i dont think he would care if i left forever and never came back.... :o( he has changed so much again.... i really dont know y, i just think that after all this time it wouldnt b 2 hard for him just to be nice to me, i have lay all my feelings on the line for him and have told him how i feel about everything and he just acts like it dont matter anymore, 1 min he is saying he loves me and being with his g/f is a big mistake then he is ignoring me and being mean.... oh i'm going to bed now.....

2002-09-20T22:06:00.000Z

tony really needs to talk to me... i have no idea what the fucks going on!! i want for us to work out so badly.... i guess i need to swallow my pride but he is being so mean 2 me... he is really hurting me being like this, i'm scared to say anything incase he gets mad at me.... its like how ryan used to make me feel.... i was scared to upset him incase he hit me... i know tony isnt gonna hit me but his words hurt me much more then any punch ryan ever gave me, he makes me feel like everything is my fault.... i hate myself enough as it is, i know i'm not a nice person and yeah i probably am a waste of space but tony always used to make me feel good about myself.... y has he changed???... I'm just about to leave, not sure when i'll be back, ~Tony, I'll miss u hun.... i love u so much, please stop being like this with me~

2002-09-20T18:08:00.000Z

A few people have asked y i'm leaving so quick and when will i be back?? the answers to both questions r, i'm leaving cuz it hurts 2 much 2 stay and when will i be back??? i have no idea, maybe in a few days, maybe a few weeks maybe even a few months.

Me and tony had a fight last night and now he wont talk to me... nice huh?? well i tried as much as i could 2 get him 2 talk to me last night but nothing worked, i emailed him and said that if i didnt get a reply from it that i would take it that he didnt wanna talk to me anymore.... and as of yet... no reply :o( thats really one of the main reason i'm going, i think its really childish to ignore me all because i wouldnt agree to do summit he wanted me 2, the crazy thing is i probably would do it if he made a little more of a effort, i love him so much but last night made me see that he cant really give a shit about me, he was like if it was the other way around i would still talk 2 u blah blah blah but he proved that wrong didnt he?? if he cant even talk to me now then no way he would talk to me if i had done what he has!! how can this ever be something if he treats me like this?? he made me look totally stupid i was trying to talk to him and he just ignored me....

2002-09-19T23:16:00.000Z

having a good day?? dont worry that wont last long!!! i have had enough of everything, friday i leave

2002-09-19T17:31:00.000Z

y can things never just be normal??? yesterday was all fucked up.... 1st thing that happened i found out Tray has a kid and another due in like 2 months!! y didnt any of u's tell me??? some1 must have known!! so i was kinda pissed that he didnt tell me but then my aunt found weed in my room and freaked out and was going to kick me out, but i talked her into letting me stay and i found some other stuff out about my mother that i dont really wanna talk about right now but it kinda upset me.

Today was cool tho I went shopping with Tray and he spent loads of money on me and we got some really cute stuff for his kid, so i'm not pissed at him anymore, he said the words all girls wanna hear "baby u would look so beautiful in those pants, jeans, dress, shirt" whatever i picked up 2 show him hehe AND a really really pretty girl, she could have been a model, walked passed and i caught tray looking at her but i didnt say anything tho and he said "sam look at that girl.... shes almost as pretty as u r" then when we saw his friends he was like this is sam... i told u guys she was stunning :o) oh isnt it nice to be liked!!! hehe, we r still going up north for the weekend, i think we r leaving late friday night after he gets home from work so i wont be around all weekend, hope u dont miss me 2 much!!! hehe i really like Tray, he makes me feel really good about myself, he always says i'm beautiful and i refuse food cuz i'm on one of my many diets he is like "baby u dont need 2 lose any weight at all, if anything u could do with putting some on" so i have started to eat more..... so hopefully my love and hate relationship with food might get a little better now, i know what i do to myself isnt healthy... i didnt eat for 5days then i ate a huge pizza and 16 donuts and ice cream but where i hadnt eaten for so long it made me feel ill, i still feel guilty if i eat..... it sounds dumb but hunger pains make me feel good, its hard to explain........ i dont think i can explain it... oh well enough of my strange life now hehe

2002-09-18T14:51:00.000Z

This blog is for my girls!! when did sex get that good?? I was awake all night again, and tray had called me and I didn’t answer so I called him back at 6am and he came round… lol ohmygod........... and oh baby that boys got no issues with showing a girl a good time, bad boys for life baby!!! only way to go.... i would marry this man just for the performance he put in last night!! but picking some1 to sleep with is the easy part.... its picking who to love thats the hard bit..... oh i like that..... did i just make that up or have i heard it somewhere?? let me know if any1 knows where it comes from, I know he will tell all his friends about it all so i might aswell tell mine 1st ;o)

"I went to ur bedroom 2 see u again, 2 miss u that much and for such a long, I went the isle to marry ur soul, 2 miss u that much, missing u more then life hoping that u feel the same, missing u more then life, missing u more then life, hope u feel the same, missing u more then life, its all over now, u’ve killed me, its all over now, u’ve killed me, its all over now, u’ve killed me, its all over now" ~InMe Firefly~

Hey r u all proud of me, i took off the necklace tony got me for a whole 12 hours..... :o\ ok so i know that wasnt really the idea...... i was meant to be making a brake from him.... it was a gift... it would be rude not to wear it.... (no comments about the rings and ear rings that ryan got me that got given to other people), i still do like him alot but i know its over :o( what do i care?? i got a b/f who is great in bed..... and thats enough.. right?? hmmm maybe if i say that enough i'll believe it...

If a guy sleeps around he is the man..... if a girl does.... she is me, pimpette for life hehehe

2002-09-17T14:55:00.000Z

oh wow Tray is so cool, I have had the most amazing time with him, he is so great, i havent been this happy for ages, i really really like Tray and i think i have finally realised that me and tony r over, i think it was just hard to admit to myself that he dont want me anymore, i guess i just thought that being there for 5 years would count more then being gone for 2 months, oh well thats the end of that anyway.... now i got Tray things might get easier... its kinda weird to hear nice stuff coming out of his mouth.... hehe normally its just gang talk, but thats something we both have in common.... we r both misunderstood, neither of us have had an easy time of growing up... he told me he wanted to be here to make my life happy, cuz 1 of my smiles is worth a million pounds hehe how sweet??? :o) i get butterflys in my stomach when he walked into a room or smiles at me, the last person who gave me butterflys in my stomach was tony, so even if i only like tray half as much as i liked tony things we'll be cool, lets just see how things go!

This song could have been written about me!! hehe its so what i'm like!
Is it ok if I speak to u today? U’ve been pissed off for a week now, but nothing I could say could make u look up or crake up… is there anything that I can do, anything to show u, ur a bitch but I love u anyway, ohhhh u cant sing but u still put me to sleep, hey ur a bitch hey hey hey hey, u make me sick but don’t ever go away, so u tell me that there’s nothing left to say, "I’d rather u face the window" then ur in my face telling me to grow up ohhhh "I wish ur'd grow up" ohhhh I cant wait until u fall asleep, I wonder if u know that ur a bitch but I love u anyway, oohhh u cant sing but u still put me to sleep, hey ur a bitch hey hey hey hey, u make me sick but don’t ever go away…… la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la….. Ur a bitch but I love u anyway, ohhh u cant sing but u still put me to sleep, hey ur a bitch hey hey hey hey, make me sick but don’t ever go away, yeah ur a bitch but I love u anyway, so y don’t ya stay?

2002-09-16T18:18:00.000Z

oh and 1 other thing i have realised.... ll cool j has the most amazing body ever!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr oh what i wouldnt give for 1 night.... *cough* chhmm anyway hehehe

2002-09-16T18:11:00.000Z

ok after some more thinking.... i have come up with this....

Justin - i dont wanna be with any1 who trys 2 tell me who i can and cant talk 2, if i let him tell me what 2 do now i will end up being controlled by him

Josh - my 1st true love... but i couldnt be with him because of the army and i could never ask him to give that up for me, i hope with all my heart that u r happy Josh!!! u deserve so much better then i could have ever given u, i'll always love u!

Ryan - 2 much shit has gone on to ever be friends but i am sorry if he thinks i have played with his head, i hope life treats him well.

Tony - hmmm..... i am making tonys life hard by wanting to be with him, so i'm gonna stop, well at least i'm gonna stop talking about it but i hope we can stay friends and maybe 1 day we'll fix things between us, luv ya hun, dont ever change cuz some cwazy girl likes ya just the way r u.... but she would like u even more if u stopped disagreeing with her and stopped being mean to her and stopped putting up away messages when she was talking 2 u!! hehe, oh and stopped sulking!! ur always be my special some1

Tray - any1 remember how much i used to be in love with tray at school?? hehe remember my english folder?? remember how upset i was when he got with Ally Jones?? and remember i said 1 day he would want me??? well it happened!! ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmygod yay!!!! we r just keeping things cool for now! he is 1 of the only guys i know who can dance with me without looking dumb!! hehe

My life - its what i make it and i'm gonna make it good from now on, life is 2 short!

2002-09-16T13:56:00.000Z

i always make things worse, i always make people feel bad about themselves, i'm really not a very nice person, justin wants me 2 not talk to tony again and after many more hours of talking and getting no where i was almost ready to leave and never come back.... but i cant, y cant he just make up his mind.... but maybe he already has and dont wanna tell me.....

ryan.... if any1 knows whats going on with ryan please tell me....

2002-09-15T14:55:00.000Z

when a girl feels down what else can she do apart from shop???? and shop i have done! onmygod i love clothes and hats and shoes and boots.... i feel so much better now and i even have nice shoes.... ohh cool and another hat to add to my collection! (hehe ya all know about my love for hats) and i got chatted up by a really cute guy.... but i'm going to get things with Justin sorted, he called me saying that he had brought me summit, that was my real reason for going shopping really 2 get something for his b-day but i kinda got side tracked when i saw cool boots and hats and clothes and stuff but i still got summit for Justin.... he said that he is going to come back friday so i can go back with him for the weekend cuz i dont wanna get the train all that way on my own, i told ya he was a sweet heart!! i told him that he should have a good time with his friends and 2 not worry about me for that week, but it'll be nice to spend the weekend with him, away from all this.... maybe it'll help things.

2002-09-15T09:30:00.000Z

You left me with goodbye and open arms
A cut so deep I don't deserve
You were always invincible in my eyes
The only thing against us now is time

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true
If I only had one more day

I lie down and blind myself with laughter
A quick fix of hope is what I'm needing
And how I wish that I could turn back the hours
But I know I just don't have the power

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true
If I only had one more day

I'd jump at the chance,
We'd drink and we'd dance
And I'd listen close to your every word,
As if it's your last, I know it's your last,
Cause today, oh, you're gone

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true
If I only had one more day

Like sand on my feet,
The smell of sweet perfume
You stick to me forever
And I wish you didn't go
I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go away
To touch you again,
With life in your hands,
It couldn't be any harder.. harder.. harder

2002-09-15T09:29:00.000Z

Yesterday was a bad day for me… I think its cuz I got really stoned the night before and that has a habit of making me feel a bit down the next day, Justin called me yesterday to say sorry for bitching at me Friday and to see how I was feeling, I said I still felt a bit sick…. He wants me to get the train down and he’ll pay for it cuz he wants to see me on his birthday…. I gave it a lot of thought and I think I’m going to try and really give things between me and Justin a chance, but I didn’t say if I would go or not I just said I would see how I felt, he is everything I ever wanted in a guy but y don’t I want him??? He is such a sweet guy, has the most beautiful eyes and a smile to die for, he makes me laugh and laughs at my stupid ness and everyone likes him, he would keep me away from trouble, he trys to understand the reason I am the way I am, so why am I not deliriously happy?? I think I need to try and forget about a certain person and carry on my life with Justin, I just hope Justin will wait around for that to happen, Justin says all the things any girl could want to hear but I just want to hear them from some1 else and I know loads of girls would jump at the chance to be with him, he is so lovely and every time I touch him he don’t try and make it sexual, I lay across him while watching a movie the other night and he didn’t once try and make a move on me, he has moved on so y cant I?? I wish I could stop my feelings towards that certain person but I cant and I cant lie to other people about it, I cant be telling Justin that I like him and want to be with him and then be telling some1 else that I still love them, its not fair to any1. Justin said he has liked me for years, haha he said he started liking me when I got push out of the girls locker room in my underwear and I just stood there laughing and swearing, he said he hated seeing me with Ryan cuz he knew Ryan would hurt me, y am I even doing all this?? Is it worth me hanging on to some1 who isn’t interested in me anymore? He cant truly care for me cuz he wouldn’t let his keep happening, he knows how much this is hurting me…. I really need to let go, he had so y cant i??

2002-09-14T16:23:00.000Z

How many more times can i keep making myself feel like this??? what the fuck am i doing with my life?? nothing thats what i'm doing!! well apart from fucking it up.

hmmm Justin..... oh he is such a sweetie but i think i have fucked things up once again!! we were meant to be going away today but i got totally fucked last night and Justin stressed at me cuz i was meant to be going to meet him at soundz last night but when he called me i was totally stoned and unable to walk or talk very well and he gave me a huge lecture... so i did what any brain dead girl would do.... i kept on smoking and called the guy i have been trying so hard to get over.... isnt it crazy how just hearing some1s voice can make so many feelings come back?? but this isnt me! i dont do things like this.... guys get upset over me, i'm always the one to end things and have them wanting me back, but i'm in a situation where i just cant stop loving him and cant face that its over... we talked for hours and after i put the phone down i felt like crap, i dont even know y... i think it was because i couldnt say the things i wanted 2.... i wanting to say i missed him and couldnt stop thinking about him and that i still loved him but it wont make any difference, apart from making me feel 1000 times worse... i think the main problem is, i only need a tiny hint that he still likes me and might get back with me and i just go back to being crazy about him and he wont say that its over for good or if we wants me back... so i dont know whats going on.... :o( I'm still waiting for the normal sam to come back and be a bitch and scream and shout at him and ignore him.... i dont think its going to happen with this one..... oh well....

Maybe one day I'll get my life sorted, till then.... welcome to the strange life of me

2002-09-10T06:53:00.000Z

I have just got home from Justin's.... ;-) and no its not what u think.... he dropped me home b4 he went to work, we went to Soundz (most of u's probably saw me!! didnt i look cute?? hehehe j/k) and then went back to Justins to book a cab but couldnt get 1 for hours so we stayed up talking allllllll night, it was so cool, he is really sweet, it was good 2 have some1 to talk 2 who didnt get mad at me over silly things or who didnt try and jump on me every 2 seconds and he made me feel important, he made me feel like, i was at that moment in time all that mattered, i told him about all the shit with ryan, dan, jamie, josh and tony and for once i didnt get the "i'll never treat u the way they have" i got "guys r dumb, we never know what or who we want, give us a choice and we fall apart, i'm sure none of them meant to hurt u (but then he did get a little corny with) i cant understand y any1 wouldnt be able to put u 1st" hehe oh he is so lovely and really cute but at the moment i still like tony more so i guess we'll just keep things cool.

Tony wants me to go to america b4 he end things with his g/f.... and i said i would.... am i dumb? what happens if 2 days b4 i leave he decides he likes her 2 much to end things? what happens with me then?? i know he dont wanna end things with her incase i dont go and to start with i was thinking how mean it was 2wards me but then i realised how mean it is to her.... poor girl, she is with some1 she thinks likes her and he is saying if some1 else comes over he will end things with her, in my book if some1 did that to me, i would class them as users and i'm the selfish 1???? but i'm dumb and i'll do it all because i cant walk away from this one.... I love ya tony :-) oh well time to sleep.

Love ya's all

2002-09-09T18:26:00.000Z

I dont really know whats going on in my life.... all i know is that it sucks, i hate feeling powerless but thats what i am at the moment, i have no control of what i want, i'm offering to do everything in my power but its not enough and every day its dragging me down more and more, i still cant sleep at night i just lay awake with so much crap in my mind but i cant make him love me enough to do it so i guess i should just stop now before i make myself look any more needy, i am acting so weak but i really do love him, if i didnt i would have been long gone by now, i have tried to get on with my life but it just makes me even more un-happy cuz he isnt part of it, i know what happened isnt his fault but i want so badly for us to work, but that seems even less likely to happen as every day passes..... i cant do anything....

2002-09-06T17:23:00.000Z

I have done awhole lot of thinking and yes my poor little blonde brain cell (i do have 1!!) is hurting!

1st thing I was thinking about was my life here - in 2 words.. "it sucks" so i am 100% sure on going to america, even if i dont stay there for long it will be good for me to get out of this rut i am stuck in, life here isnt going to well, everytime i get my life back on track i get knocked back off, maybe a whole new start is what i need, with new people who dont know my back ground... so yes I am doing it alone, i need to get away from all the family members who r trying so hard to control me and only making me even more fucked up.

2nd thing was Tony... hmmm i still am madly in love with him but i know its over, to start with i clung to the hope that he would change his mind and decide i was still what he wanted, i guess he has moved on and thats what i have to do, he did change me alot more then he knew, he is such a special person in my eyes, some people u love to much to lose and even tho being just friends broke my heart, its better then not having him in my life at all.

I did think about alot more stuff but its 2 much 2 put in this

2002-09-05T19:30:00.000Z

"Blurry"

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my sea
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

Everyone is changing
there's no one left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my sea
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

[Chorus]

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

[Chorus]

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

This song says how i feel so much better then i ever could

2002-09-05T17:54:00.000Z

Well its now september..... dont time fly??? dont ya think its funny.... when we r kids we cant wait to be grown up.... but sucks being an "adult" (if u can call me that....) u have to take responsability for ur own actions and u cant keep hiding behind other people and some1 isnt going to come along and save u from all ur problems and running away from them wont help u.... staying and facing them and coming out on top makes u a stronger person?

I'm sure alot of u's know whats been going on in the last week with me.... if u were wondering.... i didnt do it to myself, i'm 2 strong for that, look twice at the people who were with me that night.... some1 is hiding a dark secret and believe me once i'm better and i find out who did it.... they r dead, thanks for every1 who sent me cards and emails, its really nice to know who cares and who dont, i wont be around for a while cuz i've been told i have to chill for a week or 2 and i swear on my life.... i'm gonna make the most of everyday from now on and i'm gonna say whats on my mind.

"How we can come from practically nothing to being able to have any fuckin' thing that we wanted/That's why we sing for these kids, who don't have a thing except for a dream, and a fuckin' rap magazine/who post pin-up pictures on they walls all day long, idolize they favorite rappers and know all they songs/Or for anyone who's ever been through shit in their lives, till they sit and they cry at night wishin' they'd die/Till they throw on a rap record and they sit, and they vibe"

2002-08-31T14:32:00.000Z

Today is a weird day for me.... i'm happy but not the same as normal, i'm either happy and hyper and talkative or down and i dont say much but today i'm a bit of both, 1min i'm laughing and joking around and then i start thinking about stuff and then go all weird... i'm really really really regretting selling Tommy, if i knew things were going to end up like this i would have never done it and i dont wanna go to America to live now.... i wanna travel, people keep saying it'll be great in Boston but whats so great about being in a place where i dont know any1 and being alone?? all i would have is AJ and we dont get on all that great most the time, i know i would make friends and stuff but..... its 2 daunting to do alone, i really dont think i'm strong enough to be alone at least here i have my friends and "family" if u can call them that.... rather dysfunctional but still its some1, i think i wanna find some1 to travel with and go to New Zealand or Australia or even Europe.... urghh seconds thoughts not Europe (and don’t any1 say that England is part of Europe cuz i aint no fucking European), my aunt is staying in London again this weekend but when she gets back i'm gonna tell her i dont wanna move to Boston anymore..... i'm just looking at my ticket... in 129days time i would be arriving at Logan airport... i cant go..... it isnt going to make my life any easier, its gonna make things worse but i know i get in trouble here alot but i still have alot of people who help me when i am in deep shit but what happens if i find trouble in boston but havent found any1 to help me out of it?? oh i dunno!!!

2002-08-30T19:44:00.000Z

"At night she’s alone, she’s dreaming of somebody new, her some1 for to hold, she praying the dream will come true, show me the way show me, show me how, help me be brave for love, show me the way, show me, tell me how, what do u say…. There’s a pain in her heart she trying so hard to unwind, makes her cry in the night when visions so real make her blind, wants to brake through the fear, erasing the scars from within, start a new kind of being, she’s down and she’s praying again, show me the way.. show me, show me how, help me be brave for love, show me the way, show me tell me how, what do u say, u see she’s turning the key unlocking the door, embracing the roller coaster world, stepping outside with body and soul taking whatever the future holds, turning the key unlocking the door, embracing the roller coaster world, ur taking in stride, ur just 25, u know we’ve all been hurt before, so ur not alone, no ur not alone."

2002-08-30T19:07:00.000Z

Life sucks

I've been feeling really ill, my stomach is hurting really bad and this morning i woke up unable to move cuz the pain was so bad so my aunt took me to the hospital, bad news!! i'm not even 21 yet and i have fucked up the lining of my stomach due to alcohol abuse, they did some other tests to make sure everything else is cool, they gave me some pills and i have to take 3, 4 times aday, i'm gonna rattle!! I really didnt think i drank that much and i am only young!! but they said its because i dont eat and then drink neat vodka and stuff and its like killing my insides, they said i cant drink vodka or any other spirts now, crappy, but i have been drinking more or less every single day for 3 months and getting so drunk that i dont remember stuff most nights...... yay fun friday night for me... i'm going to have a shower and wash my hair and then go to bed and watch friday night TV (friends then will and grace then trigger happy TV and then graham norton that takes me up to 11!!) i got a huge lecture about having a drink problem... but i dont drink cuz i have 2, i do it cuz i want 2 but from today on i am looking after myself, i am going to eat healthy and not drink and not smoke.... hmmm well 2 outta 3 isnt bad... If 1 of my friends acted like way i am at the moment i would bitch at them! i remember not so long ago stressing at tony for drinking to much n shit.... i am such a hypocrite!!! hehe some1 send me summit pretty to make me feel better, maybe my new job will help sort my life out alittle!!

"there's a deep girl in the corner shop selling sugar for money in the dead of the night and her souls in the sugar and her hearts in the mud and she's crying with a stranger for some1 2 love and she says look at me, see me, look at me, save me, free me, find me, cuz if theres somebody for some1 yeah look at me, somebody's gonna make it right"

2002-08-29T21:16:00.000Z

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmygod some people r just so fucking sad, they need to keep out of others business!! people know i cant stand them getting all up in my face so y do they still do it?? i'm trying real hard to keep calm and no over react and then u get alice and sarah-jane....... who do they think they r coming to my house to start shit?? i told alice that i would smash her face in if she kept talking shit but did she stop? nooooo, i really could have killed her, she talks so much shit!! it was lucky the girls were here to stop me, i hate fighting.... its really not a very nice thing for girls to do but i just get so mad that i think i'll explode if i dont let it out, and what gives them the right to bitch about me?? people suck so much!! i think when u find people who dont suck u really need to hang on to them, "THE GIRLS" - u keep me sain, dont ever change the way u r, the warrigal slappers rock!!! hehe and lets all not fall out over what people say or do to us, i know alot of u's think that i thought i was 2 good for u all but that was never true, u make me laugh when no1 else can, people might think we r all hoes but we know the truth (apart from ashley hehe j/k hun!!) no1 else would dance with me in the fountain in the middle of the town center, keep dancing, keep singing and keep laughing "shoulders back, tits out, heads high and... smile", MY BOYS - oh guys u mean so much to me, u help me and my girls out, u make us all feel beautiful when we have just thrown up and cant walk due to drink, u carry us home and drive us places... hehe we really would be fucked without u's!!! u all know when i need a hug and make me realise i'm not as bad as i think, thank u for helping me carry on living! MAX - u might be a bad boy and a player but i love u, just try and treat girls better and remember u would kill any guy who treated me and the way u treat ur girls, i'm proud of u for taking care of ur responsibilities. Ok this is my last one ;-) TONY i know this is probably 2 late but i love u so much, i know i didnt show it enough but i just find it hard, u helped me so much more then u ever would have known, when i'm bitchy its only cuz i'm hurting... i know u didnt know what was going on but i cant keep letting myself get hurt (even tho u dont mean 2) my pride stops me from doing so much and telling u alot but now i have lost u i am realising how much i cared, i dont think even i knew, i know u dont feel the same but i wanted u 2 know that i never loved any1 as much as u, u make me smile u make things worth while... i miss u, i hope its not 2 late for us

2002-08-29T18:40:00.000Z

I got a job.... great! means getting up early working allllllllllllllllllllll day so no drinking, no drugs........ some1 kill me now!! its in london until jan to see how i get on and if i'm doing well i have a job waiting for me in boston... i dont wanna go!!! but how can i tell my aunt after she has done so much for me?? she is like so r u excited i just smile and go yeah... oh i'm sure it'll be ok once i get there, i might aswell be there alone cuz i would only be here alone other wise!!

"There is fiction between…. the lines on ur page and memories, write it down but its doesn’t mean ur not just telling stories, there is fiction between…. u and reality, u would do and say anything to make ur every day life seem less mundane, there is fiction in the space between…. u and me, there’s a science fiction in the space between… u and me, the fabrication on a grande sceam, I am the scary monster…..break the words and make me believe there is truth in the space between…" i am liking this song!!! hehe its like no matter how much u wanna believe some1 there is always alittle part of u making u doubt them... and a few words from them would change alot but no matter how long u wait and how much u want them to say it, they never do and u always seem to be the 1 in the wrong... maybe thats just life... life sucks hehe

My so called life (any1 remember that tv show??) in normal sam fashion i am "cool with everything" and only get alittle bitchy at times but inside i wanna bitch slap some people real hard just to try and get a reaction out of them.... i do that alot hehe... i'm sure most people who know me well know that, i say things that i dont mean 2 see what reaction i get, such a girly thing hey girls?? hehe the whole "lets be friends" is a great 1 of mine.... and i get pissed when the answer is "ok cool, yeah lets be friends" the reply i was after was "oh but i dont want to be just friends blah blah" hmmmm 1day maybe i'll get the reply i want!! hehe ok enough for today, talk to u all later

2002-08-28T17:57:00.000Z

if ur happy and u know it clap ur hands *clap clap* if ur happy and u know it and u really want to know it if ur happy and u know it clap ur hands *clap clap*

hahaha

Mark - me and mark had another talk last night cuz he sent me a text message saying he liked me and wanted me to be his g/f so i called him cuz i didnt want it 2 be weird between us and we talked for ages but finally.... we r friends and we r gonna see how things go...
Tony - hmmm i emailed him saying that it was 2 late for us to sort things out.... it just seems like he has all of a sudden started to regret what happened and stuff and its the same kinda time that his g/f is going to leave.... i said i wanted to stay friends but nothing more.... if i keep saying that even i might start to believe it.... i just dont want him to think he can keep doing shit like that and that i'll just forgive him as soon as he wants me back... i dont think he realises how badly he hurt me and him being nice to me a few times isnt gonna make up for that....... a car/boat and private jet might do it tho... hehe j/k, i just feel like he didnt really care all the time he had some1 else near by and now she is moving away and he knows i'm moving near he wants me back..... oh i dunno!
The girls - damn..... huge fight between Ashley and Tamzin.... every1 knows Ash likes Max and i didnt know till she came over my house with him... but Tamzin is his new girlfriend.... she knew how much ashley likes him so its kinda mean of her but i told her max will just mess her around (dont bitch at me max... we all know ur a player!) so today it all blew up and ashley is mad at me for not telling her as soon as i knew but i told tam to tell her but she didnt... she told emma and emma told ashley.... hehe do girls stab each other in the back so much?? we r so mean!! most girls fall out over guys tho!! Girlys they really are not worth it!!! they dont think about anything before they do it... well they let there dicks guide them into making decisions... its a case of "if i do this i stand a better chance of getting sex" not "if i do this i'll get sex but i'll hurt some1 i care about and who cares about me so it really isnt worth doing" haha oh guys suck!! (sorry boys! hehe)

2002-08-27T18:49:00.000Z

Well its been a couple of days since my last post... has much changed?? kinda i guess!
Ryan - I am amazed to say but i havent heard anything else from ryan, normally i would have the phone calls at all times of night and early hours of the morning and him turning up at my house or where ever i am but this time... nothing!
Mark - *sigh* oh mark.... hmmm nothing will ever happen between me and mark, he is lovely, really lovely and i know loads of girls who would give anything to be with him but i'm not 1 of them.... i think i was fooling myself into thinking i liked him just cuz he had been nice to me and cuz i knew he liked me but last night he, max and tamzin came over and max took tamzin home early cuz she had work so that left me and mark alone.... arghhhhhh, well a nice little chat turned into a deep and meaningful talk and he turns out.... he loves me and has done for years... well so he said! i never asked him to love me and i cant help it if i dont like him in that way but y do i feel so guilty??
My life - i dunno!! love is a funny thing, i think its just a dream world in where u find some1 who loves u just as much as u love them, a relationship is never totally balanced, some1 always cares for the other more and some1 always gets hurt, crap huh?? hehe, sometimes tho, even if u think u have made such a total fuck up of things that cant be fixed but if u want something enough u gotta keep trying, u never know that person might just be waiting for u 2 say something.

2002-08-25T19:53:00.000Z

ohhhhhhhhhhhmygod things get worse!!! its now crazy almost got killed sucking monkey balls shit!

owen, max and mark beat ryan and mark just told me and i feel sooooooooooooo guilty, i knew ryan would hit me again if i went back to him but i still did it.... its like u know a lion will eat u if u piss it off and then going up to a lion and slapping it and then it getting shot when its eaten u...... maybe i'm dumb for feeling bad cuz i know he shouldnt have done it but.... i dunno!

my aunts been talking to her friend about getting me a job in Boston (any1 think she is trying to get rid of me??) i still dunno if i wanna go now, i think i was living in a dream world and now the bubble has burst and..... i dunno what to do, i'll probably keep the "hey i'm cool with this" attitude maybe i should take up acting?? i would win awards for the act i'm keeping up right now!

2002-08-25T17:50:00.000Z

When u think things cant get worse.... they get crazy gonna get killed shit.....
Ryan
how can some1 get so mad so easy and not get a aneurysm??? it all blew up last night and once again he got violent with me all because he talked to tony and tony said some stuff, ryan is really evil! i was in the kitchen and he came in and smiled at me then he grabbed me by the throat and push me backwards, i hit out to try and make him let go so he hit me in the stomach and tried to pour boiling water over my face.... i think he did it 2 scare me more then anything cuz i didnt get burnt and i think if he had wanted the water to burn me it would have done but then he just walked off again and he was going clubbing with his friends just before he left he was like "u had better hope i'm in a good mood when i get back cuz other wise ur in trouble for talking shit about me to people" so i was freaking out and started to call everyone i could think of who i could go stay with but most people r scared of ryan (i wonder y!) in the end Owen said i could stay with him and he came and picked me up after he had finished work, ryan really scared me last night, i felt sick where i was so scared.... i really did think he was going to kill me if i had still been at his house when he got home.
Mark
Isnt it weird how 1 night can totally change ur views on people?? mark was always been around but has just been "max's friend" and i know we had a ..... errr thing (yeah thing is a good word) a couple of years ago it was nothing serious, it was just something that happened when we got drunk and we had another "thing" in the bathroom at Vic's party week hehe (i'm a hoe! i cant help it!!) i never really thought of mark in a relationship way but last night when i went back to owens, his brother and mark and marks brother were there (i dont think owen was very happy!!) mark and me stayed up talking all night and i had always seen him as being like max.... a player who tells girls what they want to hear, but last night he was different, maybe it was because he was not with the boys but he was great to talk to, he gives really good advise and he is looking good now, he looks like romeo from so solid crew with his hair like it is now and i dont think anything is ever going to happen between me and tony now and mark is a nice guy....... watch this space on that one!
My life.... well i'm back at my aunts house

2002-08-24T10:23:00.000Z

ohmygod how things can change in only 2 days.....

Ryan
YYYYYYYYYY!!!!!????!!!!!????? i'm fucking back with him but i hate him...... after my last post i went to sleep and woke 2 my aunt screaming at me, she had come home and gone to move my stuff that i had left in the way and as she picked it up, it came open and drugs fell out, she more or less threw me out, she was like just get out of my sight till i calm down so i left and went back to the party, i was really upset cuz i knew i had fucked it up and ryan was there and came over to me 2 see y i was crying n shit, and where i had been drinking i just started talking and he was so sweet to me and i ended up going back to his house then last night when we got back from the party he had done something mean to one of my friends and i had got mad so i shouted at him and he hit me.... not hard but it scared me and he got really nasty, he keeps saying i'm fat and should stop eating and that if i cant leave cuz i have no where else to go, i was just starting to get my life sorted and now its all fucked up again and this time i dont think i can fix it, i would normally run away from it but i dont have anywhere to run 2, i know i shouldnt run away from it but i cant face it but this time i'm gonna have 2, i know life is a gift and everything but it dont feel like much of a gift at the moment..... i really do have nothing and no1, i dont think i want to carry on living this way, even when things seem really shit most people have a family to go to.... but i dont, i would normally go and see Tommy when i got really down but now i cant even do that, i know i am living in self pitty at the moment but i cant change that, i keep trying to tell myself things will get better but they just keep getting worse, if i wasent so scared of it going wrong i would kill myself....... seriously, but i am even 2 weak to do that so i just keep on trying to live this shit existence, oh i wouldnt ever really do that but at times feel like killing myself, i sound like such a weirdo.... hey fokes isnt my life interesting?? i know some of the peeps who read this have known me for along time and this is probably the 1st time they even realised i had feelings, i know i am seen and the joker with the evil stare, ok i really have to go cuz ryan will be back soon and i have left a mess in the kitchen and he will get mad at me.... oh no i am turning into a house wife...... arghhhh

2002-08-22T09:13:00.000Z

The Party
I havent slept yet so i came home to try and get some sleep before i die, i drank so much last night, i was singing buffalo soldier and jammin really loud and once again... i stripped, lol i really need to stop drinking, i slipped over 3 times on the wooden floor and have a huge bruse on my hip now.... oh and we walked to the store to get some more drink and as we walked passed a huge group of guys that were about 18-19 i felt i had to scream "i'm wearing no underwear" at them..... i'm not really totally in the party mood at the moment tho, i think thats y i drink so much
Timo
arghhh timo...... what a head jarr!! that boy is really messing with my head! hehe i have had so many issues with guys in the last few weeks i really should become a lesbian! he got mad at me last night cuz he says i flirt and that i am a cock tease! moi??? no way!!! i love timo to death cuz he is so cool and always makes me laugh and i admit i do hug him and sit on his lap alot but thats because i didnt think he liked me in that way at all! he always used to say "i would never date a white girl" and that he didnt like blondes..... well if he hadent noticed i am both!! and now he like wants me! i got the "i would never hurt u like the others have done" talk last night.... hehe but more or less every single guy i have ever dated has said that and i am sure they all mean it the moment they r saying it but they soon forget about that when some1 new/prettier/younger/easier/smarter/richer/slimer/with bigger tits comes along but the best line i like from guys is "i still love u" when what they really mean is -even tho i am fucking some1 else and am not even bothering to try and contact u but i still love u and miss u when i remember who u r and when i think i might get sex from both of u at the same time- and why is it that my ex's always date little girls after me?? none and really do mean none of them have dated any1 my age or older oh apart from rob who went out with some woman who was like 25 yuk (well so he said!) why do guys always do that?? cuz they r losers thats y!
My life
i have a life??? it dont feel like it at the moment, i am turning into one of those drop out losers, i didnt try at school, i dropped out of college, i cant keep a job(or a man at that matter!) all i do is drink and smoke pot.... hehe look at me feeling all sorry for myself!! oh well...... as i would normally say "chin up, tits out and keep smiling" why is it that i have like 5 guys who want me but i only want the one who dont want me??? cuz i'm a retard! hehe ok going to sleep now before i die

2002-08-21T11:19:00.000Z

Remember I said i was going to be totally honest here?? well.... i'm finding everything really hard right now, i feel.... lost and very alone, i've been staying at my friends house with loads of people and i just feel alone, i smile and laugh and people think i'm happy, i think i really need to tell them how un-happy i really am.... going to america and tony was all i used to think of when i felt really down and it.. well he used to make me feel better, its not because i cant live without him or that kinda crap, its just he made things alot easier, i know i'm a strong person and i dont need a man to make me happy and normally by now i would have forgotten all about him but its weird..... i dont really know how to word it.... even tho i loved (love) him it was more then that..... he was like my excape from this shit hole i live in and now.... i dont have anything to help me get away from all this, hehe i'm gonna say something really dorky now.... i dont think there has been 1 night in all the time that we were together that i didnt think about him and going to america before i went to sleep and now i havent got that to think about i cant sleep, i just lay in bed making myself feel even worse, hehe who would want me back after i just said that?? it makes me sound pathetic and thats something i would hate to be, as i said tho, i'm not normally like that! i just cant forget it all this time, i m always the one who is happy and joking, i cant be the joker anymore but would any1 like me if i stopped?? where am i going with my life?? for the last few years i've been going to america, i just had to get the courage to do it and when i finally did it all went wrong and now i have lost everything, i bet ur all thinking i was stupid for giving up my life here for some guy.... but i really did think he was worth it and i thought he would give stuff up for me.... he once said he would.... but he cant even give up a girl he has been dating for a few weeks for some1 who has been in his life for 5 years, he emailed me saying that things were going to change in a couple of weeks and i'm so scared he is going to say its something to do with his g/f and that it will mean me and him r totally over.....

"laugh when ur winning and smile when ur down"

2002-08-19T09:49:00.000Z

The party week

Has started well.... with the host getting so drunk she passed out on the floor and was throwing up for hours then in typical Sam style i also passed out and had to be carried to bed and woke in my underwear.... i still have no idea who undressed me! but i wasent sick... i dont think i was anyway! last night i stayed alittle more sober... only alittle tho but this time i managed to get myself to bed and undress myself, i have had to come home to get some clothes, have a shower and sleep then i have to go back again.

America

Me and AJ have had a fight and I am refusing to talk to her and I'm not going to stay with her or see her, she is such a bitch!! always trying to put me down and tell me what i can and cant do, we dont even live near each other anymore.. y cant she just let me be me and not be who she wants her cousin to be? and as i said before i had sent tony a email telling him to pick and well he hasent got back to me yet so he probably isnt going 2.... do i email him? arghhh this really is totally shit, i'm still kinda upset by it all and he isnt making any effort well i'm more mad with him now and i dont give a shit if he thinks i'm being mean or unfair, i dont think what he is doing if fair, but unless he lets me know whats going on within the next few days then i'm not going to america, i really did wanna ask him to travel with me cuz i couldnt think of any1 i would rather do it with but i am not going to fucking be a prissy bitch while he is fucking around.

anyway my head hurts and i feel sick so i'm gonna go sleep, if any1 needs me call my cell, i posted the number last time or email me Fantasy_2000_98@hotmail.com

2002-08-17T12:13:00.000Z

Ohmygod i feel ill, and i REALLY do need to stop drinking so much, last night was another drunken one for me, it was cool tho, Ashley, Tammy, Emma, Kelly, Mel, Tamzin and Lucy came over to my house and we got very drunk and smoked alot and for anyone who knows us..... u can imagen! we ordered Pizza and scared the poor delivery boy.... we ate 3 meal deal things for 4 people between the 8 of us, well tonight is the start to the week long party so i probably wont be online (i know i shale be missed!) it should be cool tho.

my life - hmmmm i dunno..... i sent him an email yesterday, i cant really remember fully what i said in it cuz i was drunk but i think i more or less told him to either end things with his g/f or thats it between me and him.... but after thinking about it, i think it already is over because i shouldnt have had to tell him to end things with his g/f as if he really liked me he would have done it as soon as i came back, hehe i have to be a chicken and email it because i cant say it when we talk, i really dont think he cares anymore, i feel like he is just being nice to me and talking to me cuz he dont wanna tell me the truth so its easier.... maybe not......... and guys say women r hard to understand!! they r even worse! guys dont like to think about things, they just do them and once they do them they still dont think about things they just keep on doing whatever it is they have done, maybe i just read into things 2 much, i dont want him to think i'll just be there whenever he wants me because at the moment i feel like thats what i'm doing, i dont wanna be like one of those weirdo ex's and scream and shout about everything, but he either end things with his g/f or i'm gone and i really do mean it this time! i think the main reason i dont wanna push it is because 1. i shouldnt have 2, he should just do it and 2. because i dont want him to turn round and say "i'm not gonna do it, good bye" cuz then i'll be all weird and cry n shit, oh why am i so pathetic????? haha anyway if any1 needs me call my cell (07773 489772). Talk to u all in a weeks time.

2002-08-16T11:53:00.000Z

I really do need to stop drinking.... hehe thanks for all the emails telling me that peeps!!.

The Party - woohoo week long party started this saturday so i wont be around to make any blogs for a week, well unless i come home but i'll probably stay at Vic's, this party is gonna rock, no live bands tho but still gonna be cool (if ur a pot head)

My life - still complicated!! hehe and i still have no idea whats going on, me and dan r over yay!! but i never really liked him i try and tell him (Tony) but i never seem to be able to push the matter enough so it kinda goes un-noticed (well i know he knows i have said it but he is a guy so unless i really push it he will say no more about it!) but to be honest i think i'm being really cool about it all, i could have really made things hard for him but is the reason i dont because i know he will just tell me to fuck off?? but then should that be the way things r? he did wrong not me but i am still the one making all the effort, he says he still cares n shit but if he did would he still be with his new g/f?? i think not but he dont see it that way.... i have always told him that i would take so much and then that would be it and i would just go and i think unless things change thats gonna happen, y should i do so much for some1 who isnt faithful to me?? and something that i cant get out of my mind.... when i found out and asked him he said he didnt want to tell me because he knew i would get upset n mad and shit.... and when we did talk it seemed like nothing had changed, so how do i know this is the 1st time? (well i know its the 2nd but i found out about the 1st and that was years ago) so how many times has this happened and i havent found out? maybe it is time for me to move on, unless he does some thinking and changes a few things i think i will be gone and the way i feel right now i'm very near just forgetting everything.... well i say that now but as soon as we talk again i'll change my mind, but no this time i mean it, i just gotta find a way of telling him he either ends stuff with her or i'm gone, i shouldnt even really be around now but i guess when u really care about some1 its hard to just walk away but as i said this time i wont stay for anymore bullshit, if he hasent made up his mind by the time i get back from the party its over totally, i hate doing that, it makes me feel stupid and childish but i'm no1's fool and i wont let him walk all over me, i do love him tho even tho i shouldnt! hehe oh well cant help the way i feel can i?

2002-08-15T18:20:00.000Z

arghhhh i am so close to making a total fool of myself again, how can i be so bothered by him? y cant i just either tell him everything or just stop talking to him?? y does it matter what i look like to him?? if he isnt interested then he will go anyway but still i keep my feelings to myself and only have alittle bitch moment at times....... so that makes it worse, he thinks i hate him now, the truth isnt easy to say, i just want things to be the same as before i went away..... y cant he just make it all back to normal?? the truth is that i am so hurt and really care alot for him and if he was 2 ask i would go back in a heart beat but he isnt going to ask cuz he has found some1 better and that is ripping me apart inside, i would have given up anything for him, loving some1 that much always scared me.... and now i know y!

2002-08-15T17:41:00.000Z

Dan

OHHHHHHMYGOD he is a retard, i wanna kill him, he is like totally up in my face all the time, wanting to know where i am, who i'm with, he called me while i was at the farm riding my aunts horses so i didnt answer then he sent me a text message but i didnt reply cuz i was riding my aunts horses........ so he sends 6 text messages and calls me 18 (yes 18!!!!) times and leaves 5 voice messages, he is ment to be cool, he is a DJ, DJ's r ment to not care and just be cool with shit but oh no not the one i find! travel around america with him??? he would be lucky if i even travel the mall with him!! (well unless he is paying for everything i want cuz then i would be very happy to go shopping with him...) he bugs me so much!

Last night

last night we all went clubbing, it was so cool to see the girls all again and have it just be us girls, without all the stress of guys being weird, once again i was very drunk, i lay down on a bench in the middle of the street and wouldnt (well couldnt) get up, apart from that the night had been kinda normal till we met the boys..... who robbed an allotment...... see i told u men were weird!!

My life

its getting worse!! fuck it fuck it fuck it!!! i dont know what or who i want and i really need to stop drinking!!!

2002-08-14T17:54:00.000Z

Dan

Maybe I have been alittle harse with the way i have judged Dan, sometimes i think i get carried away with the way things used to be, i hate change but then i think so do most people, this time i am really going to give him a chance, i just need to try and forget he used to be a player and has slept with urghh.... i dont even wanna know how many girls, but still.... will i be able to travel for 6 months with him and not stab him while he sleeps?? he was a real sweetie today, i had alot of fun with him.... he is cool when he isnt with his boys, but it was only 1 day not 6 months, maybe i need to think of the real reason y i want to go to america, is it 2 travel or because of a certain person?? maybe i only want to go because due to that person i wanted to go for so long and now i just think i want to go even when i dont..... hmm i dunno hehe

The Weekend!

how could i not talk about this weekend?? damn..... it was crazy!! after finally getting back with Josh for a whole 3 days he went back to the army monday :o( but anyway we had a crazy party at my house while my aunt and uncle were away, friday night i got rather drunk and yes.... it was me who stripped more or less naked..... some1 needs to not drink as much, Ash was her crazy self.... how many men in 1 night Ashley?? hehe it was great tho, we had SLP playing live in my house then Dan aka DJ Slip n Slide DJed till early hours in the morning (how weird... i had my now new b/f playing at my ex's party type thing) and who put the fish in the pool?? come on own up!!! then on saterday we had SLP, Sweet Revenge and Mullet Shop playing live in my house, awhole lot of crazy shit happened that night aswell but i think most is best left un-said!! sunday was kinda more chilled, it started off as a smoking night but ended with awhole lot more people then i remember asking turning up. It was great to see everyone tho!

2002-08-14T10:50:00.000Z

Well..... I guess most people who read this will know who I am but for those who dont.... I'm Sam I'm a 20year old female from England and thats all u really need to know, the idea of this blog is for me to stop caring what people think of me and just be myself, this past week has been very...... eventful.... and i have realised that i keep way 2 much 2 myself and then get mad at people when they dont understand but then thats my fault so y do i get so mad?? i have spent alot of time being drunk and feeling sorry for myself, but i have lost 2 very important people, well i feel like i have lost them but after thinking about it neither were ever really mine to lose, normally i would just pretend i didnt care but this time the act is getting harder and harder to keep up. I know 1 of those people will be back but the other just seems to be slipping further and further out of my reach and i dont know how to stop it, maybe i need to tell him how i feel but my dumb old pride stops me, each day i'm like i'm not going to be taken as a fool, today i'll tell him to stick it but then along he comes and i'm all happy and joking, y am i so weak? part of me wants him to know how i feel but the other part just wants to save face and not make myself look as dumb as i feel, i think me trying to keep cool with it will just push him further away but i dont think i can be any other way, i really want to make him realise but i cant and probably never will, saying all that tho and i am already with some1 else.... but is it because i want to be?? the truth is... no, because he wants me and that makes me feel better about myself.... or does it? how can being with some1 just because they want me, make me feel better? partly it does but mostly it dont, it might sound selfish but i dont want him to be happy without me, if i'm not happy y should he be? i want him to not be able to sleep at night and to walk around like a zombie all day, not that i dont want him to be happy because i do.... i just want him to be happy with me.... does that make me a bitch? i know we could be so happy together.... but would i ever forget this? would this always be eating me inside and make me be a bitch? would i ever trust him again? do i even have any reason to feel like this? should i move on?? answers on a post card... hehe ;-) r u all confused yet?? ur almost on the same level as me if u r! well this is the 1st post of my blog and a long one.... but hey i have alot of issues! hehe